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Little Nicky Script
(Edit)

                                      "LITTLE NICKY"

                                        Written by

                         Tim Herlihy, Adam Sandler & Steve Brill

                

               FADE IN:

               EXT. SUBURBIA - NIGHT

               A beautiful late summer night. Crickets chirping, sprinklers 
               sprinkling.

               We PAN across one particular lawn, up one particular tree, 
               where we see THE PEEPER (Jon Lovitz) sitting on a limb. He 
               has a bottle of wine, some sandwiches, a Walkman. Suddenly 
               the lights turn on.

                                     PEEPER
                              (whispering)
                         Showtime!

               We see a young mother walk into the room outside the Peeper's 
               window. She is wearing business attire.

                                     PEEPER
                         Rough day at the office Mrs. Dunleavy?
                              (takes bite of sandwich)
                         Well you'll feel better once you 
                         slip off those work clothes and get 
                         into some sweats.

               The mother sits on the bed and pulls off her shoes, rubbing 
               her feet.

                                     PEEPER
                         Oh my God, yes! I wish you would let 
                         me rub those feet. Of course I 
                         wouldn't use my hands. Heh heh heh 
                         heh...

               He sips some wine.

               The mother starts to unbutton her blouse. She takes it off, 
               revealing a nice bra.

                                     PEEPER
                         Looks like Victoria just told me her 
                         secret.

               The peeper frantically writes in a dirty notebook. Mouthing 
               the words as he goes.

                                     PEEPER
                         Thursday the ninth, eight-thirty 
                         p.m., first brassiere sighting...
                              (stops writing)
                         I will pleasure myself to this image 
                         for months. MONTHS I TELL YOU!

               The mother starts to unbutton her pants. Her young son walks 
               in wearing a scouts uniform.

                                     PEEPER
                         Young Scottie Dunleavy. What 
                         unfortunate timing. You mother was 
                         just getting comfy.

               The son talks to his mother excitedly.

                                     PEEPER
                         Yes, yes, I'm sure you tied many 
                         great knots today or whatever. Now 
                         get out.

               The son, not going anywhere, sits in a chair.

                                     PEEPER
                         Now what. This simply won't do.

               The peeper takes out a cell phone and dials. The son answers.

                                     SCOTTIE
                         Hello?

                                     PEEPER
                         Hello, Scottie. Why don't you go 
                         downstairs like a good boy and let 
                         your mother freshen up.

                                     SCOTTIE
                         Who is this?

                                     PEEPER
                         Just a little birdie. A birdie who 
                         wants to see if your mother's panties 
                         match her bra.

                                     MOTHER
                         Oh my God Scottie. Is there a man up 
                         our tree?

               The peeper gets nervous.

                                     PEEPER
                         Tell her no. Tell her it's just a 
                         big bird.

               The peeper starts flapping his arms and making bird noises. 
               We SEE Scottie with his sling shot. The mother nods yes. He 
               shoots it. It hits the peeper square in the head. He falls 
               to the ground with a thud.

                                     PEEPER
                         Mrs. Dunleavy, please come help me. 
                         And wear your bikini.

               The peeper looks up. He sees Scottie pushing a television 
               out the window. It lands on top of the peeper. He's dead.

                                                                  HARD CUT:

               INT. HOLE - DAY

               The peeper is zooming down a hole, walls of dirt racing by 
               on all sides.

               The peeper is falling down, down, down. The whole way 
               screaming like a five-year old girl.

               PEEPER'S POV

               We see the tunnel turn into more of a slide now and the peeper 
               races towards the opening which is lit by fire. He SCREAMS.

               EXT. FIRE GATES OF HELL

               We see the GATE/WALL OF FLAMES. We hear screaming. Wham! We 
               see the peeper come flying through the flames and land in a 
               heap in a shallow pit of coals.

               Dazed, he stands and we see other people shooting through 
               the fire wall at different levels. (NOTE: All the arrivals 
               clothes are now burned & shredded).

                                     GATEKEEPER (O.S.)
                         Welcome!

               The peeper looks left to see the GATEKEEPER standing at his 
               station greeting the new SOULS with mock cheer.

                                     PEEPER
                         Am I in hell?

                                     GATEKEEPER
                         What do you think?

               A GIANT BIRD appears and bites the peeper's crotch area. We 
               leave the peeper in the pit and tilt up to...

               MATTE PAINTING HELL

               MUSIC UP: "RUNNING WITH THE DEVIL" BY VAN HALEN

               The VAST and insane kingdom of Hell. A road leads toward it 
               like the yellow brick road only with fire and coals. We see 
               the black castle in the distance. The camera zooms into the 
               castle, to one particular window.

               INT. NICKY'S ROOM - DAY

               Looks like an American teenager's room -- models, a dresser, 
               heavy metal posters (tons of OZZY stuff) everywhere (but no 
               bed -- Devils don't sleep). Nicky is air guitaring to the 
               song. Over at the stereo, we see the cassette playing titled 
               "NICKY'S MONSTER METAL MIX."

               The head demon, JIMMY THE DEMON, opens the door, scaring 
               NICKY who falls backward into the table, breaking it.

                                     NICKY
                              (embarrassed)
                         Hey...

                                     JIMMY THE DEMON
                         Your father wants to see you and 
                         your brothers in the throne room.

                                     NICKY
                         Okay, but Jimmy, when the house is 
                         rockin', don't forget the knockin'!

               INT. BLACK PALACE THRONE ROOM - DAY

               ADRIAN and CASSIUS are playing darts. They're aiming for 
               people's faces that are coming through the wall.

                                     CASSIUS
                         I knew it. He's finally retiring.

                                     ADRIAN
                         I've been waiting on this day for 
                         ten thousand years.

               He throws a dart that hits one of the heads in the forehead.

                                     HUMAN DARTBOARD
                         Aaaah!

                                     CASSIUS
                         If the old man picks me to take over 
                         Hell, I'll keep the torture going 
                         twenty four seven. No breaks.

                                     ADRIAN
                         Well Dad says it's the breaks that 
                         make the torture. You have to let 
                         people feel a sense of relief.

               Cassius whips a dart which hits one of the HUMAN DARTBOARDS 
               in the eye.

                                     HUMAN DARTBOARD
                         Aaaaaaaaaaaah!

                                     ADRIAN
                         Then again, the beauty of Dad retiring 
                         is what he says doesn't matter 
                         anymore.

               Cassius pulls out the dart. The eye comes with it.

                                     CASSIUS
                         I'll take that.

               Cassius throws the eye on the ground and stomps it. THWACK!  
               It splatters like a grape.

                                     HUMAN DARTBOARD
                         Was that really necessary?

               Nicky enters sheepishly.

                                     CASSIUS
                         Hey, how's Daddy's little girl doing 
                         today?

                                     NICKY
                         Good, thanks.

               Cassius snaps his fingers in Nicky's face.

                                     CASSIUS
                         Hey. Hey. Hey. Wanna mind wrestle?

               Cassius' eyes start glowing red.

                                     NICKY
                         Actually, I'll take a rain check 
                         on...

               Nicky is slammed into a nearby desk as if by an invisible 
               force.

                                     CASSIUS
                         Got ya!

                                     NICKY
                              (picking up his head)
                         Yes, you got me...

               Nicky's head slams back down again.

                                     CASSIUS
                         Got ya, again!

                                     NICKY
                              (picking head up)
                         Got me for sure, yes...

               He grabs a lamp off the desk and cracks himself over the 
               head.

                                     CASSIUS
                         Got ya! Now here's the big finish...

               Nicky frowns as he finds his own right hand heading for his 
               own crotch.

                                     NICKY
                         Oh no. Please Cassius...

               Nicky's hand is being possessed. It gets closer and closer 
               until it latches on to Nicky's crotch.

                                     NICKY
                         Aaaaah.

               Cassius concentrates even harder, making Nicky twist his own 
               hand. Nicky screams even louder. Adrian smiles. They don't 
               notice that DAD, wearing a sweatsuit (and with very small 
               devil horns), enters behind them.

                                     DAD
                         What are you boys doing?

               Cassius releases Nicky's hand.

                                     NICKY
                         Nothing, Dad. Just re-arranging the 
                         furniture.

                                     DAD
                         Cassius, didn't I tell you to stay 
                         out of your brother's mind?

                                     CASSIUS
                         I forgot.

                                     DAD
                         Maybe this will help you remember.

               Dad's eyes flash red and Cassius punches himself hard in the 
               nose, sending him back against the wall and down to the floor.

               Dad gives Nicky a wink. Nicky smiles. Dad has an air of 
               confidence and power.

                                     DAD
                         Now everybody sit down.

                                     NICKY
                         Hey, Dad, I'm almost finished laying 
                         down my monsters of metal compilation 
                         tape. I really think it's a 
                         masterpiece.

                                     DAD
                         Okay, kid, we'll listen to it later.

               He leads the boys to the throne area. We see outside the 
               window the peeper staring in sexily. Dad looks, shakes his 
               head. Just then, THE BIRD appears and attacks him. Dad closes 
               the curtains.

               Nicky, Adrian and Cassius sit on little stools at the foot 
               of his throne. Dad lights a cigarette with his finger, the 
               tip of which glows red like a cigarette lighter and looks 
               down at his three sons.

                                     DAD
                         My dad, your granddad, Lucifer, was 
                         thrown out of Heaven by God and rules 
                         here in hell for ten thousand years. 
                         And after this ten thousand years 
                         had passed, he decided to abdicate 
                         his throne...

               Confused, Nicky sheepishly raises his hand.

                                     DAD
                         ...to step aside.
                              (Nicky lowers his 
                              hand)
                         ...and let me become the ruler of 
                         hell. This, as some of you might 
                         know, is my ten thousandth year as 
                         Prince of Darkness. So I think the 
                         time has come to discuss who will 
                         succeed me.

               Jimmy the Demon walks in.

                                     JIMMY THE DEMON
                         Knock, knock.

                                     DAD
                         Yes, Jimmy.

               He whispers in Dad's ear.

                                     DAD
                         No, no, that's not what I said. He 
                         can keep his thumbs, but the fingers 
                         gotta go.

                                     JIMMY THE DEMON
                              (turning to leave)
                         Oh, and don't forget, you're shoving 
                         a pineapple up Hitler's ass at four 
                         o'clock.

               Dad nods, and Jimmy shuffles out. Dad turns his attention 
               back to his sons.

                                     DAD
                         This was a very difficult decision, 
                         because I have three wonderful sons. 
                         I mean, Adrian, so smart, so ruthless. 
                         And Cassius, so strong, so tough. 
                         And Nicky, so... so...

                                     NICKY
                         Don't worry about coming up with 
                         anything. It's cool.

                                     DAD
                         Such a sweet boy. But after much 
                         thought and careful consideration, 
                         I've decided that the ruler for the 
                         next ten thousand years is going to 
                         have to be... me.

                                     CASSIUS AND ADRIAN
                              (dumbfounded)
                         What!?

                                     NICKY
                         Hallelujah.

               They all look at Nicky.

                                     NICKY
                         I mean... tough break.

                                     DAD
                         The important thing for the stability 
                         of our rule is to maintain the balance 
                         between good and evil. And I don't 
                         think any of you are ready for that 
                         responsibility yet. You need the 
                         wisdom that comes only with the 
                         passage of time.

                                     CASSIUS
                         Dad! This is Hoyashit.

               Dad glares. Cassius goes FLYING BACK. One of the Human 
               Dartboards laughs. Cassius whips a dart and hits him in the 
               tongue. Jimmy enters and points at his watch.

                                     DAD
                         Right. Right. Send him in.
                              (to the boys)
                         I'm sorry, boys. I've got to get 
                         back to work.

               Nicky, Cassius and Adrian start filing out. Adrian stops.

                                     ADRIAN
                         You sure about this decision, Dad?

                                     DAD
                         I'm telling you, pal, it's the right 
                         thing to do.

               HITLER (in a French maid's outfit), is being brought in by 
               Jimmy. They head towards the closet.

               Inside the closet is a crate of pineapples. Hitler picks out 
               a relatively small one. Dad shakes his head "no." Dad walks 
               over to the closet. Hitler picks out a really big pineapple. 
               Dad nods "yes." Hitler sadly hands it to Dad. Jimmy bends 
               Hitler over and as Dad raises the fruit...

               CLOSE ON HITLER'S EYES

               As the pineapple's jammed up his ass.

                                     HITLER
                         Holy schnit!!

               EXT. HIGHWAY TO HELL - DAY

               Cassius and Adrian are standing by the road still flowing 
               with souls. Both are pissed. There's a big, ugly, Bigfoot 
               looking MONSTER hanging out with them, kind of nodding along.

                                     CASSIUS
                         You work your ass off for ten thousand 
                         years, hurting people, helping others 
                         hurt people, then you get a decision 
                         like that.

                                     ADRIAN
                         And he's dead serious.

                                     CASSIUS
                         It's just such a slap in the face.

               Adrian turns to the Monster.

                                     ADRIAN
                         Um, excuse me, we're having a private 
                         conversation here.

                                     CASSIUS
                         Yeah, get out of here! Beat it!

               Cassius insanely snaps his fingers in the Monster's face.  
               The Monster shrugs and walks off.

                                     ADRIAN
                         Twenty-thousand years ago, Grandpa 
                         Lucifer said, "It is better to rule 
                         in hell than serve in heaven." Well, 
                         I'm getting tired of serving in Hell. 
                         We need a place where we can rule.

               Cassius throws a rock at the Monster. He yelps, then turns 
               around, motioning like he's thinking about coming back. 
               Cassius sees this and gets enraged.

                                     CASSIUS
                         Oh you wanna be a big man? Bring it 
                         on!! Let's see what you got!

               The Monster, upon further reflection, throws his hands up in 
               an "aw phooey" gesture and continues walking away.

                                     CASSIUS
                         That's what I thought!

                                     ADRIAN
                              (to Cassius)
                         Could you concentrate for five 
                         seconds?

                                     CASSIUS
                         I am concentrating. Where can we 
                         rule?

                                     ADRIAN
                         What do you think about... Earth?

               Cassius seems to think this isn't a bad idea.

                                     ADRIAN
                         We could create our own hell there.

                                     CASSIUS
                         You saying we go up there and kill 
                         everyone?

                                     ADRIAN
                         Eventually, Cassius. But first we 
                         corrupt as many as we can so that 
                         when we do destroy them...

                                     CASSIUS
                         ...their damned souls will be ours.

                                     ADRIAN
                         It's our time, brother.

               The two look at each other. They start running toward the 
               fire wall. Knocking souls out of their way.

                                     GATEKEEPER
                         Hey, what are you doing?!?

               They get closer to the fire.

                                     GATEKEEPER
                         You can't go through there. The fire 
                         flows in, not out.

               They dive through the fire wall. It FREEZES.

                                     GATEKEEPER
                         You know something? You guys suck! 
                         You really suck!

               Sirens go off. Dogs start barking. Lights flash. And we hear 
               the sound of DAMNED SOULS hitting the back of the firewall 
               hard.

               INT. THRONE ROOM - SHORTLY AFTER

               Dad and Nicky are listening to one of Nicky's metal mix tapes. 
               We hear the end of Pink Floyd's "Comfortably Numb." Pause.  
               Dad exhales.

                                     DAD
                         Now that was an experience. "You are 
                         only coming through in waves." That 
                         line blows my mind every time.

                                     NICKY
                         Definitely.

                                     DAD
                         I don't care what kind of mood you're 
                         in at the start of that song. When 
                         it's over, that mood has been altered. 
                         Wow. Great shit. What's next?

                                     NICKY
                         Well, I thought that after messing 
                         with your head, I'd give you a little 
                         kick in the keester.

               Hits the tape player. "Enter Sandman" blasts.

                                     DAD
                         Who is this, Metal-lick-a?

                                     NICKY
                         Metallica, Dad. Come on.

                                     DAD
                         I was just playing with you.

               Dad and Nicky dance to the song.

               INT. THRONE ROOM - LATER

               CLOSE ON DAD.

                                     DAD
                         I'm sorry. After careful 
                         consideration, I regretfully have to 
                         decline.

               ON PERSON HE'S TALKING TO: DAN MARINO.

                                     DAN
                         C'mon, man, I'm just asking for one 
                         Superbowl ring.

                                     DAD
                         In exchange for eternal damnation of 
                         your soul? You're too nice of a guy 
                         for me to want to do that to you, 
                         Mr. Marino.

                                     DAN
                         You did it for Namath.

                                     DAD
                         Yeah, but Joe was coming here anyways. 
                         Just go back to Earth and enjoy your 
                         records and the Hall of Fame and the 
                         beautiful family and all that.

                                     DAN
                         This is bullshit, man.
                              (gets up to leave)
                         I'm gonna win the Superbowl this 
                         year, with or without you!

                                     DAD
                         Now you're talking.

               Dan exits.

                                     NICKY
                         You're a good devil, Dad.

                                     DAD
                         And I also happen to be a Jets fan.

               Nicky and Dad share a laugh which is interrupted by faint 
               sirens. The Gatekeeper enters in a hurry and falls to his 
               knees.

                                     GATEKEEPER
                         Your highness, Cassius and Adrian 
                         have escaped from hell. They went 
                         through the fire, and they broke it. 
                         I think they took the New York tunnel. 
                         I tried to stop them, but they 
                         overpowered me, sir.

                                     DAD
                         Oh, boy. Oh boy. Calm down. Get off 
                         your knees.

               The Gatekeeper stands up.

                                     GATEKEEPER
                         Thanks for being so understanding, 
                         your worship. You're the man. You've 
                         always been the man.

               Dad's EYES GLOW RED as the Gatekeeper stands up. Two huge 
               boobs grow out of either side of the Gatekeeper's head. We 
               only see them from the front for a second. From behind the 
               gatekeeper, we see the boobs but not the nipples as he talks 
               to Nicky.

                                     GATEKEEPER
                              (to Nicky)
                         I'm lucky to get away with just the 
                         head boobs, right?

                                     NICKY
                         Coulda been much worse.

                                     GATEKEEPER
                         That's what I'm thinkin'...

               Dad is staring off. He looks shaken.

                                     DAD
                         This is bad, Nicky.

                                     NICKY
                         How bad?

                                     DAD
                         I'm gonna die, Nicky. If the gates 
                         are broken, no new souls can get in, 
                         which means I'll start to deteriorate 
                         into nothing.

               GRANDPA LUCIFER enters.

                                     LUCIFER
                         What's with all the whoo-whoo noises?

                                     DAD
                         Everything's fine, pop.

                                     LUCIFER
                         Last time you said that the 
                         renaissance happened.

                                     DAD
                         Please, pop, just go back to your 
                         room.

                                     LUCIFER
                              (regarding gateskeeper)
                         Can I take him with me and have sex 
                         with his head?

                                     DAD
                         Sure, pop. Whatever you want.

               The gatekeeper walks towards Lucifer.

                                     GATEKEEPER
                         Oh, this is gonna be a whole new 
                         lifestyle for me, isn't it.

               EXT. GATES OF HELL - SHORTLY AFTER

               We see the coals are cooling down on the road and the DAMNED 
               SOULS in hell are sneaking off.

               The DEMONS are baffled and don't quite know what to do.

               Dad, Jimmy and Nicky walk to the frozen fire.

                                     DAMNED SOULS (O.S.)
                         What's going on? Where are we?

               We keep HEARING people hit behind the frozen fire with loud 
               thuds.

                                     JIMMY THE DEMON
                         Nothing's getting through that. The 
                         fire is solid as a rock.

                                     NICKY
                         We gotta get this bad boy burning 
                         again. Ideas?

                                     DAD
                         To do that Cassius and Adrian have 
                         to come back through the other way.

                                     NICKY
                         So go get 'em, Dad!

                                     DAD
                         I'm too weak. The process has already 
                         begun.

               Dad holds up his hand. His pinky is hanging by a thread. We 
               see the bigfoot MONSTER grunt disgusted by the sight.

                                     NICKY
                         So go get 'em, Jimmy!

                                     JIMMY THE DEMON
                         I'm just a demon, Nicky. I don't got 
                         devil blood in me. I'd last two 
                         minutes up there with your brothers.

                                     NICKY
                         You're not saying it's up to me?

               The MONSTER puts his hands over his eyes shaking his head as 
               if to say, "oh no."

                                     NICKY
                         I've never been to Earth. I've never 
                         even slept over at some other dude's 
                         house!

                                     JIMMY THE DEMON
                         You're the spawn of Satan. You got 
                         it in you.

                                     DAD
                         Nicky, the worst thing that could 
                         happen on Earth is you get killed, 
                         in which case, boom, you end up back 
                         here.

                                     NICKY
                         Are you telling me I have to go to 
                         Earth and kill my brothers?

                                     JIMMY THE DEMON
                         Not go. They left together at the 
                         exact same time. They gotta come 
                         back together at the exact same time.

               Dad takes an ornate flask from his robe.

                                     DAD
                         Here. Get them drunk from this. One 
                         sip and they'll be trapped inside. 
                         Once you've got both of them, you 
                         bring the flask back through the 
                         gate.

               Dad's pinky is hanging. Jimmy pulls it off and examines it. 
               The Monster gags.

                                     JIMMY THE DEMON
                         Your ol' man's got less than a week.

               Nicky looks petrified.

                                     NICKY
                         No. This can't be happening.

                                     DAD
                         Son, just do your best.

               Nicky looks teary eyed. The moment is broken by the Monster, 
               who runs in and pushes Nicky through the fire.

               Nicky goes through the solid fire wall. PAUSE. The Monster 
               taps his own wrist and looks at Dad as if to say, "gotta get 
               a move on."

               INT. GRAND CENTRAL STATION PLATFORM - DAY

               SIGN: 42ND ST. GRAND CENTRAL

               PAN DOWN to the darkened bowels of the old station, between 
               two tracks, to a putrid puddle. Nicky breaks through the 
               surface, sputtering. We hear a rumbling in the near distance.

                                     NICKY
                         Okay. Earth. The Blue Marble. This 
                         doesn't look too bad.

               Nicky sees a fast approaching light, furrows his brow and 
               WHAMMM!

               EXT. GATES OF HELL - MOMENTS LATER

               Nicky comes shooting through the solid fire wall and lands 
               in the coal pit. His Dad limps back to him.

                                     JIMMY THE DEMON
                         You were gone ten seconds. What 
                         happened?

                                     NICKY
                         I got hit by a big light that was 
                         attached to a lot of metal.

                                     DAD
                         That's a train, son. Don't stand in 
                         front of them.

                                     NICKY
                         Well, I guess I'm going to have to 
                         take a mulligan on this one.

                                     DAD
                         Please, Nicky, get back up there.
                              (his ear falls off)
                         Try to hurry.

               Nicky climbs up and heads back toward the fire wall.

               INT. GRAND CENTRAL STATION PLATFORM - DAY

               Nicky makes it back through the hole. Looks both ways and 
               hops out of the hole. He carefully crosses the tracks and is 
               stopped by the sight of a bulldog, BEEFY, on the other side. 
               In his mouth is one of those signs car service drivers use 
               to identify their passengers at the airport. On the sign is 
               scrawled "NICKY."

               Nicky and Beefy stare at each other a beat.

                                     NICKY
                         I'm Nicky.

               Beefy drops the sign from his mouth.

                                     BEEFY
                              (voice of Sandy Wernick)
                         Hey, terrific!! Now get off the track 
                         and come with me, shitstains.

               INT. GRAND CENTRAL STATION - PAVILLION - DAY

               The throng of commuters making their way through the terminal 
               are giving a wide berth to the filthy man who's looking around 
               suspiciously, talking to the dog.

                                     BEEFY
                         My name's Beefy. I'm an old friend 
                         of your father's. He's asked me to 
                         help you out.

                                     NICKY
                         I just need to find my brothers and 
                         be on my way, Beefy.

                                     BEEFY
                         It's not gonna be easy. Your brothers 
                         can possess people. So they probably 
                         won't look like themselves. You have 
                         to be suspicious of everyone.

               Nicky looks at Beefy warily for a beat.

                                     NICKY
                         Okay, "bro," this jig is up...
                              (pulling out the flask)
                         Just get in the bottle. Just slide 
                         right on in there.

                                     BEEFY
                         It's not me, moron.

                                     NICKY
                         Oh. Sorry.

               EXT. GRAND CENTRAL STATION - DAY

               A BLIND PREACHER rants outside the entrance. People put money 
               in his pot.

                                     PREACHER
                         Oh how the Lord loves you. All his 
                         children.
                              (passerby puts in 
                              money)
                         He thanks you for your kindness.
                              (another woman puts 
                              in money)
                         God bless, Ma'am. The Lord loves 
                         you... The Lord loves you...

               We see Nicky and Beefy walk up from behind. The PREACHER 
               sniffs.

                                     PREACHER
                         The Lord does not love you. I sense... 
                         pure evil.
                              (thrusts his cross in 
                              Nicky's face)
                         You make the Lord very nervous.
                              (feeling hot)
                         I'm burning... ahhh.
                              (running away)
                         The Devil walks among us!

               He runs off screaming, wildly bumping into people.

                                     PREACHER
                         Oh Lord, save us from Hell's beast!

               He gets off course and runs right into a subway entrance.  
               He disappears. Beefy turns to Nicky.

                                     BEEFY
                         Makin' friends already.

                                     NICKY
                              (shivering a little)
                         It's freezing up here, Beefy.

                                     BEEFY
                         You're on Earth now, kid. Gonna have 
                         the same physical needs and 
                         limitations a human has. We'll stop 
                         by K-mart. Get you some warm clothes.

                                     NICKY
                         I also have this odd pain in my mid 
                         section. Kind of a hollow feeling...

                                     BEEFY
                         That pain is hunger.

               EXT. BENCH - DAY

               K-mart bag is next to a bench. PAN UP to see Nicky wearing 
               an extra warm SKI OUTFIT. Sitting next to him on the bench 
               is Beefy. Between them is a big bucket of POPEYE'S FRIED 
               CHICKEN. Nicky takes out a drumstick.

                                     NICKY
                         So far, so good. Now what?

                                     BEEFY
                         Put it in your mouth.

               Nicky puts it in his mouth. Holds it there.

                                     BEEFY
                         Move your teeth up and down.

               Nicky does. He chews for a long time.

                                     BEEFY
                         Now you gotta swallow it. Tilt your 
                         head back and let the meat slide 
                         down your throat-hole.

               Nicky does. He gets a looks of complete joy on his face.

                                     NICKY
                         Hey... Popeye's chicken is ass 
                         kickin'!

                                     BEEFY
                         It sure is. Now eat it up. You're 
                         gonna need your energy.

                                     NICKY
                         I got energy up the ying-ying. Let's 
                         get cracking!

               NICKY stands with a drumstick and jogs off the curb right 
               into the path of a moving bus.

               INT. GATES OF HELL - MOMENTS LATER

               The Monster is rubbing the gatekeeper's boobs. The gatekeeper 
               is wearing a modified bra. He seems to be enjoying it. We 
               hear a THUD. They look down to see Nicky on the ground. (We 
               didn't see him flying through this time.)

               The Monster and Gatekeeper immediately stop. Kind of 
               embarrassed.

                                     GATEKEEPER
                         Hey.

                                     NICKY
                         That's a pretty brassiere.

                                     GATEKEEPER
                         Thanks.

                                     NICKY
                         Could you maybe not tell anyone about 
                         this?

                                     GATEKEEPER
                         You got it. Could you maybe not tell 
                         anyone about this?

                                     NICKY
                         You got it.

               Nicky turns and walks toward the firewall. As soon as his 
               back is turned, the monster pantomimes to the Gatekeeper, "I 
               love your boobs." The Gatekeeper gives a flirtatious laugh 
               (we don't see him morph back through the wall here.).

               EXT. VILLAGE STREET - DAY

               Beefy is walking with him down the street. Nicky is crazy 
               cautious.

                                     NICKY
                         From now on. I'm just going to avoid 
                         all moving metal objects.

                                     BEEFY
                         Great. Now your father gave me some 
                         deposit money for a nice pad on the 
                         Upper East Side. But I misplaced it.

                                                     FLASHBACK DISSOLVE TO:

               INT. STRIP CLUB - NIGHT

               Beefy is sitting on a bench/booth at a strip club. Champagne 
               is on the table. Bills in his mouth. We see THREE DANCERS 
               dancing for him.

                                                     FLASHBACK DISSOLVE TO:

               EXT. VILLAGE STREET

               Nicky and Beefy.

                                     BEEFY
                         So I found this other joint for you. 
                         But you're gonna have a roommate.

               INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT

               A scruffy, thirtyish buy, TODD (Allen Covert), is on the 
               phone in his small, bohemian apartment in the Village.

                                     TODD
                              (on phone)
                         I know exactly how you feel... The 
                         night Reagan was elected, I said to 
                         my mother, "Is this man going to 
                         blow up the world, Mommy?" Then we 
                         both cried for like an hour.
                              (knock at the door)
                         Somebody's here. Call you later.

               Todd gets up and opens the door. It's Nicky, with Beefy by 
               his side. Nicky is nervous, and his speech sounds practiced.

                                     NICKY
                         Hello, friend, my name is Nicky. I 
                         understand you're seeking a roommate, 
                         as per your advertisement in the 
                         Village Voice. Would it be possible 
                         for me to fill the slot?

                                     TODD
                         Uh, don't you want to know what the 
                         rent is?

               Nicky looks down at Beefy. Beefy looks up at Nicky. Both nod 
               imperceptibly.

                                     NICKY
                         Yes. What is rent?

                                     TODD
                         Eight-hundred, split down the middle. 
                         Tuesdays and Thursdays I rehearse 
                         with my scene partner so the living 
                         room will be off limits.

                                     NICKY
                         Off limits.

                                     TODD
                         Right. And as far as household items: 
                         we can share the soap, but we'll 
                         split the cost 60/40. Cause the person 
                         who physically goes out and buys the 
                         soap shouldn't have to pay as much 
                         as the other guy.
                              (looks at Nicky)
                         Aren't you boiling in that outfit?

                                     NICKY
                         No.

                                     TODD
                         It's like eighty degrees in this 
                         hallway. You from the South?

                                     NICKY
                         Yeah. The deep South.

               Nicky laughs a little too hard.

                                     TODD
                         Why is that funny?

                                     NICKY
                         I don't know.

                                     TODD
                         And sorry, man, but no dogs allowed.

               Todd turns and goes into the apartment.

                                     BEEFY
                         You'll be alright. Go on. Big day 
                         tomorrow. Don't forget to do that 
                         sleep thing I told you about.

                                     NICKY
                         Got ya.
                              (to Todd)
                         Is it okay if I do the sleep thing?

                                     TODD
                         Yeah, your bedroom is right over 
                         there.

               The door closes. Beefy looks down at the welcome mat. It 
               reads: I "heart" METHOD ACTING. Beefy raises his leg over 
               it.

               INT. NICKY'S ROOM

               Nicky is sleeping on top of the hissing radiator, fully 
               clothed. When he inhales through his nose, we hear that 
               familiar snoring/snorting sound. But when he exhales, we 
               hear disturbing "speaking-in-tongues", Exorcist-style voices.

               SLOW PAN across the room to the doorway where Todd stands, 
               looking concerned.

               EXT. CATHEDRAL - MORNING

               We HEAR the bells toll. We see the beautiful exterior of a 
               large church.

               INT. CATHEDRAL

               CLOSE ON an ELDERLY, kind looking CARDINAL. He ascends the 
               steps to the pulpit and looks out on his large congregation.  
               We see that TV cameras are covering the SUNDAY service. He 
               begins his homily.

                                     CARDINAL
                         In today's gospel, the Lord tells us 
                         who we are to live if we wish to 
                         attain the splendor of Heaven... or 
                         something like that. Jesus sure says 
                         a lot of stuff in the Bible. Moses 
                         this. Moses that. Abraham hit me 
                         with a whiffle ball bat.

               The crowd stares dumbfounded. We see that the Cardinal is 
               standing on a steaming hot pizza which is still in the box 
               with the top open.

                                     CARDINAL
                         Yep, the Lord sure did say a bunch 
                         of hibbity-jibbity. But has he ever 
                         really done anything for us? Has he 
                         ever put a Jaguar XJR in my driveway? 
                         Has he ever given any of my enemies 
                         the herpes? No. He hasn't done a 
                         damn thing for any of us.

               A MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN stands up.

                                     MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN
                         The Lord gave my son the strength to 
                         get off drugs.

                                     CARDINAL
                         Ma'am, I know your son, and believe 
                         me, he was better off on drugs. He's 
                         a bore. At least when he was smoking 
                         hashish, he made me laugh 
                         occasionally.

               A YOUNG MAN and his PREGNANT WIFE stand up.

                                     YOUNG MAN
                         After we tried for many years, the 
                         Lord finally helped my wife conceive 
                         a baby.

                                     CARDINAL
                         No, your best friend Fitzie helped 
                         your wife conceive a baby. He helped 
                         her conceive it all night long.

               Fitzie, who's sitting on the other side of the Wife, starts 
               to "raise the roof." Then thinks better of it. The Cardinal 
               points to a well-dressed man in the front pew.

                                     CARDINAL
                         How about you, Mr. Mayor? The Lord 
                         ever do anything for you?

               The Mayor has tinfoil on his feet.

                                     MAYOR
                              (standing)
                         Well, I wish I could think of 
                         something, Cardinal, but to be honest 
                         with you, I can't. Kind of makes you 
                         wonder if there even is a Lord. If 
                         there is any ultimate punishment for 
                         our so-called "sins." Maybe we should 
                         all just have fun and do whatever 
                         the hell we want.

               A hubbub is raised by the crowd. Fitzie raises the roof again, 
               this time energetically.

                                     CARDINAL
                         Amen to that. Let the sin begin!

               The hubbub grows to a roar. Several PEOPLE start fighting 
               over the money in the collection plate.

               The Cardinal smiles knowingly at the Mayor. We hear the 
               Cardinal's thoughts -- in Adrian's voice.

                                     ADRIAN (O.S.)
                         Oh, this is delicious.

               ON MAYOR

               He's smirking. WE HEAR his telepathic response.

                                     CASSIUS (O.S.)
                              (laughing)
                         "Let the sin begins" -- that was a 
                         good one.

                                     ADRIAN (O.S.)
                         Well, we must get people sinning if 
                         we want to fill up our New Hell. How 
                         are things going down at City Hall?

                                     CASSIUS (O.S.)
                         I lowered the drinking age to ten.

                                     ADRIAN (O.S.)
                         Brilliant. This is so much fun. I 
                         never want it to end.

                                     CASSIUS (O.S.)
                         Why should it end? Who's gonna stop 
                         us?

               The Mayor/Cassius laughs. As he does, his eyes slowly cross.

               EXT. STREET - DAY

               Beefy is taking a dump on the sidewalk. PAN OVER TO:

               Nicky, his pants around his ankles. He's trying to do the 
               same.

                                     NICKY
                         This is intense! And it happens every 
                         day? Sometimes twice? I gotta tip my 
                         hat to you people!

                                     BEEFY
                         Look, it's okay for me to shit the 
                         street. But you gotta use a toilet.

                                     NICKY
                              (pulling up pants)
                         Okay, just point me in the right 
                         direction next time.

                                     BEEFY
                         Come on, there's like ten million 
                         people in this city and the clock is 
                         ticking.

                                     NICKY
                         Well, let's rock and roll.

               Nicky looks at the next person walking by. It's a CHINESE 
               DELIVERY GUY on a bicycle. Nicky clotheslines him, taking 
               him off the bike in a sleeperhold/headlock.

                                     NICKY
                         Get in the bottle. Dad's falling 
                         apart. You froze the gate and you're 
                         killing him. Drink!

               Nicky puts the flask to the Chinese Guy's lips.

                                     CHINESE DELIVERY GUY
                         I'm not thirsty! I'm not thirsty!

                                     NICKY
                         Just get in the flask!

               The Chinese Guy breaks loose, gives Nicky a roundhouse kick 
               to the head and runs away. Nicky gets up.

                                     NICKY
                         Adrian and Cassius! You think a kick 
                         to the head is gonna make me throw 
                         in the towel? Well, in the immortal 
                         words of Judas Priest, "You got 
                         another thing comin'."

               Beefy shakes his dog head and sighs as we see Nicky hold the 
               bottle up to a few more PEDESTRIANS.

               EXT. STREET - DAY

               Nicky approaches various people as they pass. (To be shot 
               long lens, real people, real reactions.)

               INT. POPEYE'S - DAY

               Nicky gets to the front of the line and tries to get the 
               Cashier to drink. The Cashier yanks his head away and gives 
               Nicky a dirty look. Nicky shrugs and points to the menu, 
               ordering some chicken.

               EXT. STREET - DAY

               Nicky walks up to a homeless man. He thrusts the bottle in 
               his face. To Nicky's surprise, the homeless man gladly takes 
               it and drinks. Nothing happens. Nicky is baffled. He tries 
               to take the flask back, but the man won't let go. Finally he 
               grabs it away from him. The man starts throwing garbage at 
               Nicky as he walks away.

               INT. CENTRAL PARK ZOO - DAY

               Beefy is looking around for Nicky. He spots him -- inside 
               the polar bear cage. Nicky approaches the bear holding the 
               flask.

               INT. HELL - MOMENTS LATER

               Nicky shoots through the firewall, having been killed again. 
               The Gatekeeper is wearing tassels on his boobs.

                                     GATEKEEPER
                         Bus?

                                     NICKY
                         Beast.

               The Monster laughs.

                                     GATEKEEPER
                              (to Monster)
                         You like that? You think that's funny?

               The Gatekeeper swirls his tassels.

                                     GATEKEEPER
                         How about that? You like that?

               The Monster howls with delight.

               EXT. CENTRAL PARK - DAY

               Nicky sits on the rocks, beaten and exhausted, eating a 
               Popeye's drumstick.

                                     NICKY
                         All that running and chasing is making 
                         the sleep thing want to come early.

                                     BEEFY
                         I think we have to work on narrowing 
                         down our list of suspects. Now I'm 
                         going to go check in with some of my 
                         contacts uptown.

               Beefy hears Nicky's strange terrible snores. He's asleep. 
               Beefy sighs.

                                     BEEFY
                         Kid's got a lot of evil in him, just 
                         begging to come out...

               Beefy walks away.

               EXT. VARIOUS CENTRAL PARK LOCATIONS - DAY

               Nicky snores. Masses of birds fly out of the trees. Nicky 
               snores. Squirrels run out of trees. Nicky snores.

               ON WORRIED PEOPLE

               Staring at Nicky who continues to snore. Two HEAVY-METAL 
               GUYS, JOHN AND PETER, are listening to Danzig and doing a 
               goofy dance. They hear something and turn the music down: 
               it's the distant sound of Nicky's snore.

                                     PETER
                         Sounds like our devil dance actually 
                         worked this time.

                                     JOHN
                         'Bout time...

               Nicky snores. It sounds like "I will eat your hearts." The 
               worried people run away. Nicky snores. Children on the 
               Carousel, going real fast, upset. Nicky snores.

               Peter and John walk over to a position near Nicky's bench.

                                     JOHN
                         There's our man.

                                     PETER
                         Mr. Sleepyhead must have some major 
                         ties to the dark side.

               A sleazy STREET VENDOR shuffles over towards Nicky. He eyes 
               the flask which is half hanging out of Nicky's pocket.

                                     JOHN
                         What's with that guy?

                                     PETER
                         Gotta be one of his disciples or 
                         something.

               Suddenly, the Vendor grabs the flask (and Nicky's half-eaten 
               drumstick) and runs off.

                                     JOHN
                         Yo, man, I think that devil guy just 
                         got ripped off.

                                     PETER
                         Should we wake him up?

                                     JOHN
                         Yeah. You do it.

               Peter gets up and shakes Nicky who comes to with a loud SNORT.

                                     PETER
                         Rise and shine, devil guy. Some dude 
                         just stole your shit.

               Nicky feels for the flask. It's gone.

                                     NICKY
                         Oh nooooo...

               Fire shoots out of Nicky's mouth.

                                     NICKY
                         Which way did he go?

                                     JOHN
                         That way.

               Nicky is about to run off. Looks at John's shirt.

                                     NICKY
                         Iron Maiden live double disc is simply 
                         phenomenal.

               He runs off.

                                     PETER
                         Did you check out the dragon mouth?

                                     JOHN
                         The Dark Prince is here.

               EXT. SIDE STREET - DAY

               Nicky is searching the street for his flask. He walks past 
               several STREET VENDORS who have set up their wares on the 
               sidewalk. PAUSE. Nicky comes walking back into frame as he 
               sees his flask (and half-eaten drumstick) laying on the 
               blanket of the VENDOR.

                                     NICKY
                         Hey...

                                     STREET VENDOR
                         See something you like, my man?

                                     NICKY
                         Yes. I would like my flask back.

               The street vendor stands, very angry.

                                     STREET VENDOR
                         You callin' me a thief, my man?

                                     NICKY
                         No, I'm just calling you... a guy 
                         who has my flask.

                                     STREET VENDOR
                         And if that is your so-called "flask," 
                         how would I have it unless I was, in 
                         fact, a thief?

                                     NICKY
                              (not sure what the 
                              answer is)
                         I don't know?

               A YUPPIE JOGGER is checking out the flask.

                                     MAN
                         Yeah, how much for the silver flask 
                         there?

                                     STREET VENDOR
                         Well, that's a very special item. 
                         The cap itself is one hundred percent 
                         plappium. It's a value is over three 
                         thousand dollars.

                                     MAN
                         Really. Where's it from?

                                     NICKY
                         It was handcrafted in hell by Satan 
                         himself and is only to be used for 
                         the capture and containment of my 
                         blood brothers so that the firefall 
                         of Hades will burn brightly once 
                         again.

                                     MAN
                         Really. I think we'll let you keep 
                         it then.

               He walks away.

                                     STREET VENDOR
                         Okay, now you gone and done it. You 
                         done messed with my business bitch!

                                     NICKY
                         Sir, I would prefer if you didn't 
                         raise your voice. It's making my 
                         muscles tighten.

               We see that Nicky's eyes are starting to glow red.

                                     STREET VENDOR
                         Oh, you gonna go all crazy eyes on 
                         me? I'll show you some crazy eyes. 
                         Let's get busy.

               The vendor makes an even crazier face at Nicky and starts 
               swinging his fists around.

               Nearby, VALERIE, an unsure, sweetly unstylish young woman, 
               is selling clothes off a spread out blanket. She notices 
               what's going on.

               Nicky's eyes widen in panic. Just then, Valerie steps in.

                                     VALERIE
                         Excuse me, does that flask belong to 
                         this man?

                                     STREET VENDOR
                              (frustrated)
                         Now you callin' me a thief? Damn.

                                     VALERIE
                         Look, I know you come out here and 
                         sell stolen stuff all the time. But 
                         today, the guy you stole from just 
                         happened to walk by and bust you. So 
                         why don't you admit today's not your 
                         day and give him his flask back?

                                     STREET VENDOR
                         Or what're you gonna do about it? 
                         Ugly me to death?

                                     VALERIE
                         No, but maybe that cop over there 
                         might have something to say.

               Valerie points to a cop across the street. The Street Vendor 
               ponders this for a second, then...

                                     STREET VENDOR
                         Aw, take your dumb-ass canteen, goofy.
                              (looking at Valerie)
                         And you, take your raggedy-ass clothes 
                         and find a new corner. Before I show 
                         you what real crazy is.

               The vendor does crazy eyes again.

                                     VALERIE
                         Fine. I will.

               Nicky picks up the flask and the drumstick.

                                     NICKY
                         Hey, mister. I'll be seeing you in a 
                         few years.

               Valerie gathers her blanket, starts walking away and Nicky 
               follows her.

                                     NICKY
                         That was amazing. Thanks so much. 
                         You didn't have to do that.

                                     VALERIE
                         That's okay. I get messed with all 
                         the time and when I saw him doing 
                         that to you I just lost it. I hate 
                         when people take advantage of 
                         tourists. It ruins it for the rest 
                         of us.

                                     NICKY
                         You think I'm a tourist?

                                     VALERIE
                         I'm sorry. I just assumed. Your accent 
                         maybe. Where are you from?

                                     NICKY
                         The South.

                                     VALERIE
                         Really?

                                     NICKY
                         Yeah. Deep south.
                              (laughs hard)
                         She laughs along with him, not sure 
                         why.

                                     VALERIE
                         Why are you laughing?

                                     NICKY
                         I don't know, but I like it. Say. 
                         Your glasses are nice. They make 
                         your eyes look sparkly and big. It's 
                         fun to look at them.

                                     VALERIE
                         My dad's an optometrist.

                                     NICKY
                         My dad's in hell, and he's falling 
                         apart.

                                     VALERIE
                         I'm sorry. It's really tough when 
                         your parents get older.

                                     NICKY
                         If I don't save him, I don't know 
                         what I'm gonna do.

                                     VALERIE
                         Well, I'm sure a nice southern boy 
                         like you will figure something out.

               Nicky is experiencing new sensations as he looks at her. He 
               hands her the half-eaten drumstick.

                                     NICKY
                         Here, have a Popeye's. This drumstick 
                         ain't for beatin' it's for eatin'.

                                     VALERIE
                         That's alright. I already ate lunch. 
                         I actually wouldn't mind getting a 
                         Gelati.

                                     NICKY
                         Could I come with you to getting a 
                         Gelati?

                                     VALERIE
                         If you want to.

                                     NICKY
                         Want to? A million angry octopus 
                         people couldn't hold me back!

                                     VALERIE
                         "Octopus people?"

                                     NICKY
                         Uh, it's a deep south expression.

               Nicky laughs.

               EXT. STREET - MOMENTS LATER

               They exit the ice cream store, eating Gelati.

                                     NICKY
                         It's freezing my hands.

                                     VALERIE
                         It's not that cold. Here, let me 
                         wrap it.

               Valerie takes a few napkins and wraps it for Nicky. Just 
               then the PREACHER walks by. He quickly turns his head, sensing 
               Nicky.

                                     PREACHER
                         Why do you taunt me with your 
                         darkness?! Your evil is stinking up 
                         our streets! We're all gonna die!

               He takes off running right into a lamp post.

                                     VALERIE
                         This town is really going to hell 
                         lately.
                              (Nicky nods)
                         So what part of the city do you live 
                         in?

                                     NICKY
                         I have an apartment. I don't remember 
                         exactly where. My dog knows, though.

                                     VALERIE
                              (laughs)
                         You have a dog? What kind?

                                     NICKY
                         I'm not sure. I'd ask him, but he's 
                         uptown talking to his contacts.

               EXT. DOWNTOWN STREET - DAY

               Beefy is screwing a female dog from behind.

                                     BEEFY
                         Remember, it's not the size of the 
                         boat, it's the motion of the ocean.

                                     GIRL DOG
                         Just finish.

               EXT. STREET - VALERIE & NICKY CONTINUOUS - DAY

                                     VALERIE
                         I'd love to have a dog. But I go to 
                         school full time. It wouldn't be 
                         fair to the dog.

                                     NICKY
                         School?

                                     VALERIE
                         Parsons School of Design. I knew 
                         growing up I wasn't much to look at, 
                         so I put my energy into making things 
                         that are pretty.

                                     NICKY
                         What's that pleasant smell coming 
                         from, your skin?

                                     VALERIE
                         My perfume?

               He takes her wrist to his nose. He stares at it, licks it.

                                     VALERIE
                              (laughs)
                         It's called "Comptoir Sud Pacific." 
                         Which I think is the French word for 
                         coconuts.

               Nicky stops and looks at her.

                                     NICKY
                         Valerie, it feels like there's a 
                         bunch of butterflies flapping around 
                         in my stomach. Is that normal?

                                     VALERIE
                         Sometimes, sure.

                                     NICKY
                         Good. I was concerned.

               EXT. GATES OF HELL - DAY

               The Gatekeeper is near the frozen fall. We hear loud wailing, 
               moaning, etc., coming from the other side.

                                     GATEKEEPER
                         Doesn't sound very good behind there. 
                         I hope Nicky's kicking some ass on 
                         Earth.

               The Monster is smoking a cigarette and wearing a leather 
               biker's hat. He nods along in agreement.

               PAN TO LUCIFER

               Who's sitting over by a rock fishing in a small pool of 
               fire/pond.

                                     LUCIFER
                         You know, I was the one who created 
                         Hell.

                                     GATEKEEPER
                         I know, your wickedness.

                                     LUCIFER
                         I started slow, though. For years, I 
                         was just giving people hot foots. 
                         Actually, you can give all the credit 
                         for Hell to my first wife; she was 
                         the inspiration. She was an ugly 
                         one, too. One day, she asked me if I 
                         wanted super sex. I said I'll take 
                         the soup.

               The Monster laughs really hard.

                                     LUCIFER
                         Take it easy there, Chewbacca. In 
                         fact, you look like her mother, except 
                         she had more hair.

               The Monster laughs even harder.

                                     LUCIFER
                         You know what was in Hell when I 
                         came down here, Cassius?

                                     GATEKEEPER
                         It's Stanley, sir.

                                     LUCIFER
                         Nothing. No mountains. No castles. 
                         Looked like a giant parking lot. It 
                         wasn't even called Hell.

                                     GATEKEEPER
                         What was it called, sir.

                                     LUCIFER
                         Boogerland!

                                     GATEKEEPER
                         That's nice, Grandpa. Why don't you 
                         just enjoy the fishing?

                                     LUCIFER
                         I can't enjoy anything. I go fishing. 
                         I catch nothing. I go to orgies, I 
                         catch everything...

               We hear the Monster laughing again as we PAN DOWN Grandpa's 
               fishing line to:

               EXT. UNDERWATER - DAY

               We SEE a MINIATURE PEEPER squirming on the fish hook. A giant 
               fanged fish engulfs the Peeper's body. Only his head is 
               sticking out.

                                     PEEPER
                         I deserve this!

               EXT. BAR - DOWN THE STREET - DAY

               Several ELEVEN YEAR-OLDS stumble out, drunk.

                                     KID
                         I just stole twenty-five bucks off 
                         the bar.

                                     KID #2
                         How many beers did you have?

                                     KID # 3
                         Eight sips.

                                     KID
                         I had five! I'm so wasted.

               They both high five, throw up and fall. PAN over to ADRIAN 
               sitting on top of a mailbox laughing as he sips from a bottle 
               of PEPPERMINT SCHNAPPS.

                                     ADRIAN
                         When an adult goes to Hell, that's 
                         terrific. But when a child goes... 
                         that's why I'm in this business.

               Adrian looks across the street and sees Nicky walking with 
               Valerie. He's shocked.

               Valerie is holding up a pair of drawstring pants from her 
               collection.

                                     NICKY
                         So you're saying, make all pants 
                         with a drawstring, then heavier set 
                         gals don't have to feel humiliated 
                         by telling their waist size in front 
                         of the whole store?

                                     VALERIE
                         Basically, yeah.

                                     NICKY
                         Wow. Maybe you should make drawstring 
                         socks for gals with fat ankles.

               Valerie laughs.

                                     VALERIE
                         You know what's nice about you? You 
                         just seem happy being yourself. You 
                         don't try to act cool.

                                     NICKY
                         Thanks much. You know what's nice 
                         about you, Valerie?

                                     VALERIE
                         What?

               Up the street, Adrian's eyes redden. NICKY looks like he's 
               been stunned by something.

                                     NICKY
                         Your juicy, heart-shaped ass.

                                     VALERIE
                         What was that?

                                     NICKY
                              (shocked and confused)
                         I... I don't know why I just said 
                         that. I meant to say that...

                                                              QUICK CUT TO:

               Adrian's eyes flashing.

                                     NICKY
                         ...I've always wanted to have sex 
                         with a gross pig. What do you say we 
                         go behind that dumpster, pull our 
                         pants down and see what happens?

               Valerie's very hurt.

                                     VALERIE
                         You're a jerk.

               She turns and walks away. Nicky looks over and sees Adrian. 
               His inner voice speaks to him.

                                     NICKY (O.S.)
                         ADRIAN!

                                     ADRIAN (O.S.)
                         You shouldn't have come here.

                                     NICKY (O.S.)
                         Please, get out of my mind!

               Adrian's eyes flash.

                                     NICKY
                         Hey, Valerie!

               She stops and turns. Nicky RAISES his fist to resist Adrian's 
               force. It's too much. His middle finger comes up, giving her 
               the "finger."

                                     VALERIE
                         What the hell's your problem?

               She runs away crying. Nicky turns to Adrian who's still across 
               the street.

                                     NICKY (O.S.)
                         Adrian, you gotta come back to Hell. 
                         Dad's sick.

                                     ADRIAN (O.S.)
                         He's sick?

                                     NICKY (O.S.)
                         Yeah, he needs souls to live. When 
                         you guys left, you broke the gates. 
                         We gotta get the gates burning again 
                         before he dies.

               Adrian processes this.

                                     ADRIAN (O.S.)
                         He should have thought of that before 
                         he denied me my birthright.

                                     NICKY (O.S.)
                         Well maybe you should go back and 
                         talk it over with him.

                                     ADRIAN (O.S.)
                         How about this? I stay here enjoying 
                         my Schnapps and you go back.

               Nicky's body jerks around.

                                     NICKY (O.S.)
                         Adrian, please...

               Nicky, fighting control over his body, walks slowly and 
               crazily into the middle of the street where he sees a large 
               truck bearing down on him.

               JOHN and PETER get blood splattered on them. Peter looks 
               down to see the "666" forms in blood on their clothes.

                                     PETER
                         Check this out. The number of the 
                         beast.

               They laugh and hi-five.

               ON THE TV - DAY

               INT. CBS EVENING NEWS PROGRAM

               Dan Rather speaks to the camera. Over his shoulder we see a 
               graphic of the Arch-Decon's face. NOTE (Arch-Decon is a made 
               up religious figure that appeared earlier in the script.)

                                     DAN RATHER
                         Reverberations from Arch-Decon 
                         Donnelly's shocking speech are still 
                         being felt throughout the city. Today, 
                         some disgruntled cast members of the 
                         play CATS broke the fourth wall in a 
                         most hostile manner.

               VIDEO FOOTAGE

               A few CATS are down in the aisle physically pushing around 
               shocked audience members.

               BACK ON DAN RATHER

                                     DAN RATHER
                         ...But even that does not come close 
                         to what happened today on Live with 
                         Regis and Kathy Lee.

                                     VIDEO FOOTAGE
                         The set of Regis and Kathy Lee.

                                     REGIS
                         So I was driving to work today, and 
                         some bozo in a Cadillac cut me off...

                                     KATHY LEE
                         Oh, that's terrible, Reege...

                                     REGIS
                         So I followed him...

                                     KATHY LEE
                         You followed him?

                                     REGIS
                         I followed him all the way downtown, 
                         and when he gets out of the car, I 
                         reach under my seat and pull out an 
                         aluminum bat.

                                     KATHY LEE
                         You keep a bat under your seat?

                                     REGIS
                         Recently, yes! So I run up behind 
                         this guy, and start bashing his brains 
                         in with this bat, and it made me 
                         feel happy! Did you ever see THE 
                         UNTOUCHABLES?

                                     KATHY LEE
                         Yes, great movie...

                                     REGIS
                         I was DeNiro!

               The blue haired lady AUDIENCE is crying. The TV turns off. 
               We PULL BACK to see that we are in.

               INT. TODD'S APARTMENT - DAY

               Beefy turns to Nicky.

                                     BEEFY
                         Your brothers are upsetting the 
                         balance of good and evil.

                                     NICKY
                         What can I do about it?

                                     BEEFY
                         You can't do jack shit... unless you 
                         learn your evil powers.

                                     NICKY
                         Nobody's as evil as my brothers. 
                         Those dudes put the wick in wicked.

                                     BEEFY
                         Go get a soda out of the fridge.

                                     NICKY
                         But those are my roommate's sodas...

                                     BEEFY
                              (high-pitched mocking)
                         "But those are my roommate's sodas..." 
                         Does that sound like a statement the 
                         son of the devil would make?

               Nicky, ashamed, gets a Coke out of the fridge and places it 
               on the coffee table. He and Beefy sit on the couch and stare 
               at the Coke.

                                     BEEFY
                         You have the power to change the 
                         cola in that can into any other liquid -- 
                         engine oil, bat's blood, moose piss.  
                         You just have to release the evil 
                         within you.

                                     NICKY
                         Release the evil?

                                     BEEFY
                         I'm just saying, there's wickedness 
                         in you... I can tell from your snores.

               Nicky stares at the can.

                                     BEEFY
                         Release your evil...

               Nicky frowns and bites his lip. The can rattles a little.

                                     TODD
                         What are you doing?

               Todd is standing in the doorway. Beefy runs to the fire 
               escape.

                                     [ MISSING PAGE ]

                                     TODD
                         I know it's your living room night. 
                         But can I finish watching the 
                         Globetrotters' game out here? To me 
                         it's classic Comedia Dellarte.

                                                                    CUT TO:

               INT. TODD'S APARTMENT - MOMENTS LATER

               The TV clicks on. We see TODD sit down and look at the TV.  
               Nicky's behind him.

               ON TV

               INT. BASKETBALL ARENA - DAY

                                     BILL WALTON
                         What an odd game, folks. The 
                         powerhouse 85-0 Harlem Globetrotters, 
                         who normal run circles around the 0-
                         85 Nationals, seem to be struggling 
                         to find their groove in front of 
                         their hometown fans.

               A Globetrotter makes a fancy pass to another player, who 
               makes a fancy pass to CORNROWS who starts doing some VINTAGE 
               GLOBETROTTERS FANCY DRIBBLING. The REF blows the whistle and 
               makes the traveling signal.

                                     REF
                         He's walking, get him a bus!

                                     BILL WALTON
                         Oh, another awful call. There is no 
                         way that was traveling.

               Ref takes ball from Cornrows, who gets in the Ref's face.

                                     CORNROWS
                         What's with all these crazy calls? 
                         You gotta watch that shit, we haven't 
                         lost a game in 53 years.

                                     REF
                         Technical foul!

               Ref snaps just like Cassius in the players' face.

               ON TODD AND NICKY

                                     NICKY
                         That guy in the striped shirt snaps 
                         his fingers like someone I know...

               ON TV

               The ref mind wrestles four globetrotters to simultaneously 
               slam their heads on the scorers table again and again.

               ON TODD AND NICKY

                                     NICKY
                         It looks like the work of a brother...

                                     TODD
                         A black guy?

                                     NICKY
                         If it's Cassius, yes.

               Nicky races for the door.

               INT. BASKETBALL ARENA - DAY

               As the ref taunts the crowd, a fan wearing a Globetrotter's 
               shirt yells out.

                                     GLOBETROTTER FAN
                         Get your head out your ass, ref! The 
                         kids came to see the Globetrotters 
                         win.

                                     REF
                         Oh, so you wanna lip off to me? 
                         Unsportsmanlike conduct on the big 
                         mouth in the Globetrotter's shirt.  
                         Take ten points off for the 
                         Globetrotters.

               The Globetrotter's score on the board goes from 46 to 36.

               ON STANDS

               The KIDS are crying.

               ON COURT

               The halftime buzzer sounds. The Globetrotters walk off the 
               court. The crowd BOOS.

                                     BILL WALTON
                         In all my years of basketball, I was 
                         never so happy to hear a halftime 
                         buzzer. Folk, I'm afraid if the second 
                         half doesn't get any better, I expect 
                         a full scale riot.

               A spotlight points to an announcer at mid-court.

                                     COURT ANNOUNCER
                         It's time for the Globetrotter's 
                         halftime half-court heave throw, 
                         where one lucky fan will have a shot 
                         at ten thousand dollars!

               A brick lands at the announcer's feet.

                                     COURT ANNOUNCER
                         And if he makes it, everyone in 
                         attendance today will receive a free 
                         pizza.

               INT. ARENA TUNNEL - CONTINUOUS

               MIGUEL, wearing a big basketball jersey, looks nervous. He 
               has a pass on.

                                     MIGUEL
                         I ain't goin' out there and taking 
                         the shot. These people have gone 
                         crazy.

                                     NICKY
                         I'll take the shot.

               INT. BASKETBALL ARENA STANDS - CONTINUOUS

               As Nicky runs out on the court, Peter turns to John.

                                     PETER
                         Look who's back from the dead.

                                     JOHN
                         Six, six, six, pick up sticks.

               They high-five. The only happy fans in their section.

               INT. TODD'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS

               Todd's baffled, looking at his roommate on TV. Beefy is 
               watching from the fire escape.

                                     TODD
                         What's Nicky doing down there?

                                     BEEFY
                         Trying to capture his brother in a 
                         flask and preserve the balance of 
                         good and evil on Earth.

               Todd looks over, suspicious.

                                     TODD
                         Did you just talk?

                                     BEEFY
                         No.

               INT. BASKETBALL ARENA - CONTINUOUS

               The court announcer covers his mic and whispers to Nicky.

                                     COURT ANNOUNCER
                         You better win these people some 
                         free pizza. Looks like they're about 
                         to start killing each other.

               STANDS

               A BUSINESSMAN pushes a very old SODA GUY down an aisle of 
               stairs.

               COURTSIDE

               The court announcer hands Nicky the ball. He looks at it.

                                     NICKY
                         Release the evil.

               His eyes get red. Staring at the ball, it explodes.

                                     NICKY
                         Okay, too much evil..

               Bill Walton's hair is on fire.

                                     BILL WALTON
                         I think that ball just blew up. And 
                         yes, my hair is aflame.

                                     NICKY
                              (turning to sideline)
                         Could I get another ball?

               The court announcer throws out another ball. Nicky stares at 
               it again with red eyes.

                                     NICKY
                         I command you not to blow up and go 
                         into that metal circle.

               Nicky throws an underhand shot. The ball arcs through the 
               air and is about to go in when the ref comes out of nowhere 
               and swats it away.

                                     REF
                         Get that crap outta here!

               The crowd BOOS! Nicky and the ref stare at each other.

                                     NICKY (O.S.)
                         I know you're having fun, Cassius, 
                         but you gotta come back to Hell.

                                     CASSIUS (O.S.)
                         Look around you, Nicky. We're in 
                         Hell. The New Hell.

               STANDS

               We see FITZIE, sitting between TWO PREGNANT WOMEN, raising 
               the roof.

               COURTSIDE

               As the crowd BOOS, Nicky runs over and grabs the microphone.

                                     NICKY
                         Listen up, New York. Your souls are 
                         in great danger...

               Nicky gets hit by a hot dog.

                                     NICKY
                         Alright, how about this? I get one 
                         more shot. The ref will cover me. I 
                         miss it, the Globetrotters forfeit 
                         the game. I make it, he doesn't ref 
                         the second half and we all start 
                         conducting ourselves like decent 
                         human beings again.

               The crowd is silent.

                                     NICKY
                         And we get free pizza.

               The crowd roars.

               INT. ANNOUNCING BOOTH - CONTINUOUS

               Bill Walton's hair is now burnt looking.

                                     BILL WALTON
                         I think it's safe to say we're all 
                         rooting for this bizarre and hideous 
                         looking man.

               Bill Walton reaches over to an old lady sitting near him. He 
               takes off her wig, leaving behind her bald head, and puts 
               her wig on his head in order to cover his burnt hair.

               The crowd starts YELLING.

                                     CROWD
                         Nicky! Nicky! Nicky!

               STANDS

               John and Peter are yelling the loudest.

               COURTSIDE

               The ref walks to half-court and hands Nicky the ball.

                                     NICKY
                         You know, Dad got very sick when you 
                         left.

                                     REF
                         I heard. I'm glad he's dying. It's 
                         my turn now.

               Nicky's eyes get red, he starts dribbling.

               INT. TODD'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS

               Beefy is watching, transfixed.

                                     BEEFY
                         Take him to the hole, Nicky.
                              (Todd stares)
                         I mean, woof! Woof!

               Todd looks at Beefy, terrified.

               INT. TUNNEL

               We see CORNROWS and some other Globetrotters are coming back 
               from the locker room. They stop to watch.

               INT. BASKETBALL COURT - MIDCOURT - CONTINUOUS

               Nicky pushes the ball up the court while the ref plays 
               extremely tight defense. Nicky fakes one way, then heads 
               toward the basket. The ref stays tight. Nicky's eyes are 
               redder than ever. He fakes left, he fakes right. He dribbles 
               behind the back, dribbles between the legs, then takes his 
               momentum up toward the basket. He jumps from the foul line 
               and flies through the air. He emits a crazy, blood curdling, 
               devil yell.

               CUT AWAY DURING DEVIL YELL TO:

               SHOT CLOCK

               It reads: 666.

               Popcorn and sodas EXPLODE.

               Cornrow's cornrows POP open into a GIANT AFRO.

               BACK ON NICKY

               Nicky's head starts turning and does a 360 (like the 
               Exorcist). He ends his flight by slamming down a thunderous 
               dunk, cracking the backboard's glass into pieces. He hits 
               the ref on the way down. The crowd CHEERS, finally happy 
               again.

                                     NICKY
                         Never doubt my skills.

               INT. TUNNEL - CONTINUOUS

                                     CORNROWS
                         Damn, I gotta learn how to do that.

               MID-COURT

               Nicky sees the ref is lying on the basketball arena floor, 
               covered in glass. He gets up slowly

                                     REF
                         That's nuts. When'd you learn that 
                         shit?

                                     NICKY
                         Sorry, Cassius. Maybe it was the 
                         super devil juice Dad gave me. HE 
                         thought I might need it for just 
                         such an occasion.

                                     REGIS
                         Super devil juice? Give it over. 
                         Let's go best two out of three.

                                     NICKY
                              (pulls out the flask)
                         No. No way. Dad said it was only for 
                         me.

               The ref rips the flask from Nicky and drinks.

               Cassius screams like bloody hell as he is sucked out of the 
               ref's mouth and into the bottle. WHOOSH! The ref slumps to 
               the floor.

               STANDS

               Still quiet until John and Peter rush to Nicky and bow.

               COURTSIDE

               Nicky peers into the flask.

                                     CASSIUS (O.S.)
                         Damn you, Nicky! There ain't no super 
                         devil juice in here!

               Nicky caps the flask. Nicky waves to the stunned, but 
               appreciative crowd.

               INT. TODD'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

               A homemade cake is laid out. It reads: CONGRATULATIONS, NICKY. 
               JOHN, TODD, PETER AND BEEFY are there.

                                     TODD
                         So your father's the devil, you're a 
                         talking dog sent from Hell, and you 
                         guys are who?

                                     PEEPER
                         Just a couple of big fans of Nicky 
                         and the work his Dad does.

                                     JOHN
                         By the way, Nicky. Check this out.

               He spins his Black Sabbath backwards.

                                     JOHN
                         What's Ozzy trying to say there?

                                     NICKY
                         Absolutely nothing. The Blizzard 
                         always came straight with his 
                         messages. But wrap your minds around 
                         this one.

               Nicky gets up and we see his is sitting on a hibachi. He pus 
               on a James Taylor album and plays it backwards.

                                     VOICE
                         I command you in the name of the 
                         Lucifer to spread the blood of the 
                         innocent.

               John and Peter look at each other, shocked.

                                     JOHN
                         No wonder your uncle's so weird...

                                     TODD
                         I gotta say this cake tastes a little 
                         funny.

                                     PETER
                         Oh, I dumped a fat sack of reefer in 
                         the mix. Tried to spice up the bash.

               Nicky takes a big bite of cake.

                                     NICKY
                         What's reefer?

                                                               DISSOLVE TO:

               INT. APARTMENT - LATER

               PAN UP from Popeye's laying everywhere. Everyone's laughing 
               hard.

                                     JOHN
                         Come on. One more time.

                                     NICKY
                         Not again, fellas. It kind of hurts.

                                     PETER
                         Please. You got to.

                                     NICKY
                              (resigned)
                         All right...

               Nicky loosens up his neck and makes his head go around 360 
               degrees. Everyone cracks up, high fives. Even Todd LAUGHS. 
               PAN OVER to Beefy, who has bloodshot eyes.

                                     BEEFY
                         I used to get baked like this with 
                         my first girlfriend, Heather. We'd 
                         get so stoned she would forget I was 
                         a dog.

                                     JOHN
                         She was human?

                                     BEEFY
                         Actually, she was a sewer rat. Man, 
                         that pissed my parents off.

                                     JOHN
                         I dated a Japanese girl once. My 
                         parents disapproved. Not cause she's 
                         Japanese, but cause she was only 
                         fifteen.

                                     NICKY
                         I'm only fifteen... thousand years 
                         old.

               Everyone cracks up.

                                     TODD
                         I was in love one time but she said 
                         I wasn't financially reliable enough. 
                         And she needed that.

                                     JOHN
                         By she, do you mean he?

                                     TODD
                         No.

                                     BEEFY
                         Busted.
                              (laughs)

                                     PETER
                         How you feelin' over there, Satan 
                         Abdul Jabar?

                                     NICKY
                         A little strange. I can't stop 
                         thinking about this girl, Valerie.

                                     TODD
                         Why? Did she hurt you? Do you miss 
                         her? Need a shoulder to cry on?

                                     JOHN
                         Easy, Liberace.

                                     TODD
                         Oh, would you grow up.

                                     NICKY
                         We had the greatest afternoon of my 
                         life until Adrian made me tell her 
                         she had a heart-shaped ass.

                                     BEEFY
                         Maybe you love her. But what do I 
                         know? I'm baked out of my mind.

                                     PETER
                         Me, too. We're gonna get going.

                                     TODD
                         You guys want to stay? I have a futon 
                         in my bedroom.

                                     JOHN
                         That's a big pass, Elton John.

                                     PETER
                         We're going to see Ozzy play at the 
                         Meadowlands, right now. Wanna come, 
                         Nicky?

                                     NICKY
                         No thanks. I'm afraid I wouldn't be 
                         able to give Ozzy the focus he 
                         deserves.

                                     JOHN
                         Whoa, that chick must be the real 
                         deal, then. Later on.

                                     NICKY
                         See ya, fellas.

               They leave.

                                     BEEFY (O.S.)
                         You better snap out of it soon, kid. 
                         Cause we're going after Adrian 
                         tomorrow. Seven AM. Nighty, night.

               He falls asleep and starts snoring. We hear the SOUND of 
               THREE LITTLE GIRLS singing "Ring Around The Rosie" as he 
               exhales.

                                     TODD
                         That is the most frightening thing I 
                         have ever seen.

               Nicky stands and moves to the window. He looks out longingly 
               over the sleeping city... achingly. RACK FOCUS behind him, 
               we see Todd nodding encouragingly in the reflection.

                                     NICKY
                         Todd. Which way to the Parson's School 
                         of Design?

               EXT. PARSON'S SCHOOL OF DESIGN - NIGHT

               Nicky walks around the corner.

               SIGN READS: "Parson's School - Student Housing"

               Nicky is standing in front of the dorm rooms. He looks up. 
               Scanning the windows, he picks up a scent.

                                     NICKY
                              (he sniffs)
                         Coconuts...

               Nicky goes to the fire escape and starts to climb. His nose 
               leads him. He reaches the window, sniffing heavily.

               INT. DORM ROOM WINDOW - CONTINUOUS

               A STUDENT is standing in the window draped in silks, feeling 
               his nipples with his legs crossed like the guy in "Silence 
               of the Lambs." The student is startled.

                                     STUDENT
                         Hello.

                                     NICKY
                         You smell like coconuts.

                                     STUDENT
                         It's "Comptoir Sud Pacific." Makes 
                         me feel like a hula girl. Which is 
                         kinda what I'm going for. Wanna come 
                         in?

                                     NICKY
                         No thanks. I'm looking for a girl 
                         named Valerie who also smells like 
                         coconuts.

                                     STUDENT
                         Valerie Doran? Two floors up, one 
                         window over.

                                     NICKY
                         Thanks, much. Good luck with the 
                         genital tucking.

                                     STUDENT
                         I don't need luck. I'm good.

               Nicky floats away. A few seconds later, he floats back, 
               holding up the flask.

                                     NICKY
                         Adrian?

                                     STUDENT
                         Andrew.

               Nicky nods and floats off.

               EXT. VALERIE'S WINDOW - MOMENTS LATER

               Nicky crouches outside her window and peers in.

               INT. VALERIE'S ROOM - CONTINUOUS

               Cool music. She is up late. Working by candlelight on a 
               fantastic design. Something's not working. She drapes a 
               beautiful fabric over another. She smiles at the combination. 
               She is happy being creative. Nicky feels his heart swell as 
               he watches her.

               ON NICKY

               He's so enraptured he leans forward trying to kiss her. His 
               head bumps the window. She turns, startled. She sees the 
               beaming Nicky.

                                     NICKY
                         Hey.

                                     VALERIE
                         Nicky? Oh my God. Stay right there.

               Pause. Valerie opens the window and sprays a can of mace 
               right in Nicky's face.

                                     NICKY
                         Oh that stings! My eyes are on fire!

               Nicky stands up and stumbles around.

                                     VALERIE
                         What were you thinking coming here?

                                     NICKY
                         I'm not sure, but it didn't involve 
                         getting blinded with poison.

               He bounces off the front rail, stumbles backward and goes 
               flying over the back rail.

               EXT. VALERIE'S STREET - NIGHT

               We see Nicky hurtling toward the street. Holding his eyes.

                                     VALERIE
                         Oh my God, I'm so sorry!

               Suddenly he stops. Suspended above ground. Valerie doesn't 
               hear the expected thud.

                                     VALERIE
                         Nicky?

               He floats up, but he can't see.

                                     NICKY
                         Valerie?

                                     VALERIE
                         Are you dead?

                                     NICKY
                         No.

                                     VALERIE
                         What are you doing?

                                     NICKY
                         I think I'm floating.

                                     VALERIE
                         Why would you be floating?

                                     NICKY
                         I don't know. Maybe it's because of 
                         your sweet voice.

                                     VALERIE
                         Am I supposed to not be freaked out 
                         right now? Because I am.

               He's floating up. He slows down.

                                     NICKY
                         I can't see you but I can smell you. 
                         And you make me feel alive in a way 
                         I've never felt before.

               CUT TO REVEAL he's floating outside the student's window. 
               The student's dripping candle wax on his belly.

                                     STUDENT
                         You got the wrong window again, man.

                                     NICKY
                         Oh. Sorry, Andrew. Valerie?

               Nicky resumes floating up.

                                     VALERIE
                         I'm over here, Nicky! To the left.

               Nicky is parallel with her. He hovers in front of her, eyes 
               still watering. She punches Nicky in the face, and he flies 
               back ten feet.

                                     VALERIE
                         Look, just because you're floating 
                         doesn't mean I'm gonna forget about 
                         you giving me the finger.

                                     NICKY
                         That wasn't me. I was being possessed 
                         by my brother, Adrian. He's the one 
                         who call you a gross pig.

                                     VALERIE
                         What do you mean, "possessed?"

                                     NICKY
                         Remember when I told you my Dad was 
                         in Hell?

                                     VALERIE
                         Yes...

                                     NICKY
                         Well, that's because he's the Devil. 
                         And he wants to keep his throne for 
                         another ten-thousand years. Which is 
                         fine with me, but not with my 
                         brothers, so they broke out of Hell, 
                         causing my dad...

                                     VALERIE
                         ..."The Devil?"...

                                     NICKY
                         ...to decompose. And I love my Dad 
                         very much. So I came to Earth to 
                         save him but then crazy eyes stole 
                         my flask and I met you and... well, 
                         my dog tells me I just might be in 
                         love with you.

               His vision is clearing and he can start to see her. She is 
               totally in shock but still here.

                                     VALERIE
                         Okay, now I get that "deep south" 
                         joke.

               Nicky laughs. Valerie joins in.

                                     VALERIE
                         I don't know if I should believe 
                         you.

               Nicky starts to drop.

                                     NICKY
                         You gotta believe me. You gotta 
                         believe in the butterflies.

                                     VALERIE
                         Okay, I do. Get back up here.

               He floats up to her holding out his hand. Nervously, she 
               takes his hand and suddenly she is lifting off and they are 
               flying.

               EXT. MANHATTAN - SKY - NIGHT

               They fly past the EMPIRE STATE BUILDING.

                                     VALERIE
                         This is amazing.

               They soar past some more buildings.

               EXT. STREET - NIGHT

               The preacher senses something. He looks to the sky, then 
               holds the cross from around his neck as high as he can.

                                     PREACHER
                         The hellbeast is above us. He's 
                         invading our skies! We're all gonna 
                         die! We're all gonna die!

               EXT. SKY - NIGHT

                                     VALERIE
                         He's kind of ruining the mood.

                                     NICKY
                         Let me take care of that.

               EXT. STREET - CONTINUOUS

               The preacher is still angrily shouting towards the sky.

                                     PREACHER
                         We're all gonna die!

               A fire hydrant cap turns and comes off. A powerful blast of 
               water shoots out and hits the preacher, KNOCKING him across 
               the street into a plate glass window.

               EXT. NYC SKY - CONTINUOUS

                                     VALERIE
                         Can we go fly over Central Park?

                                     NICKY
                         Next time. Tonight, I want to share 
                         the most beautiful thing I could 
                         possibly imagine.

               EXT. OVER THE HUDSON RIVER - NIGHT

               They fly over it, away from NYC.

                                     VALERIE
                         We're going to Jersey?

                                     NICKY
                         East Rutherford.

               EXT. MEADOWLANDS - NIGHT

               They float high above the Meadowlands. There is an outdoor 
               concert going on. OZZFEST. We hear the Ozz on stage in his 
               encore. He is singing "Mr. Crowley." Nicky turns to Valerie.

                                     NICKY
                         I never thought I'd ever see Ozzy 
                         live until he was dead.
                              (he looks at her)
                         Please tell me you like metal.

                                     VALERIE
                              (sings along to song)
                         "Mister Crowley, what's inside of 
                         your head..."

               Nicky's jaw drops as he stares at her.

                                     NICKY
                         My dog was right. I'm in love with 
                         you.

               They slow dance tighter. The music swells. John and Peter 
               look up from their seats far below. Nicky sees them while 
               he's holding her tight. They give thumbs up.

                                                               DISSOLVE TO:

               EXT. CITY STREET - MORNING

               Feeling great. Spring in his step, we see Nicky walking down 
               the street.

               He stops and smells some flowers at a Korean Tommet. The 
               KOREANS point and seem agitated by him. Nicky gives them a 
               friendly wave.

                                     NICKY
                              (in Korean)
                         Moo ya san jie bay!

               The Koreans just glare. Nicky's confused.

               MUSIC CUE:

               A dissonant, nervous score accompanies the rest of the 
               sequence.

               EXT. STREET - DAY

               A NUT VENDOR leaves his cart and starts following. Nicky 
               looks back a little, unnerved. A TAXI screeches in front of 
               him. The DRIVER gets out and goes after him.

               EXT. STREET - DAY

               A group of school girls in uniform break loose from their 
               teacher and start chasing Nicky.

               EXT. BROWNSTONE STOOP - DAY

               A gigantically fat guy sees Nicky run by. He thinks about 
               going after him but decides not to and takes a big bite of a 
               candy bar instead.

               EXT. BASKETBALL COURT - DAY

               Ten guys playing wheelchair basketball see Nicky. They point 
               and start wheeling after him.

               EXT. HILLY STREET - DAY

               Nicky is putting some distance between him and the mob.

                                     NICKY
                         What's going on here?

               But when he heads downhill, the GUYS IN WHEELCHAIRS start to 
               catch up. They get closer and closer until... Nicky makes a 
               last second right turn into an alley. The wheelchairs can't 
               slow down and crash into a double decker tourist BUS at the 
               bottom of the street. The TOURIST on the top level look over 
               the edge to see the crash.

               EXT. ALLEY - DAY

               Nicky is panicking, out of breath. A BUM (RADIOMAN) rises up 
               out of his cardboard box. The bum raises his bottle and thunks 
               Nicky on the head. It doesn't break.

                                     NICKY
                         Ow... what was that for?

                                     BUM
                         Fifty million dollars.

               The bum holds up a NEW YORK POST. It reads "MONSTER WANTED!" 
               And has a picture of Nicky. Nicky is shocked.

               Nicky turns to run out of the alley, but the mob is there 
               blocking the entrance. He's trapped. They start running right 
               at him. He closes his eyes.

                                     NICKY
                         Release the evil.

               Nicky's body splits into about five-hundred horrifying 
               insects, all with a miniature NICKY HEAD.

               The Nickysects run right at the crowd, and the crows 
               immediately starts running the other way, completely freaked 
               out.

               INT. TODD'S APARTMENT - DAY

               Beefy and Todd are watching TV. They look over to see the 
               insects scurry under the front door and morph back into one 
               exhausted Nicky.

                                     NICKY
                         I seem to be in trouble, Beefy.

                                     BEEFY
                         The shit has hit the fan, kid. Take 
                         a look.

                                     TODD
                         Been breaking all morning.

               ON THE TV - DAY

               We see Dan Rather addressing the camera.

                                     DAN RATHER
                         At a news conference earlier today, 
                         Chief of Police Andy Shaifer gave 
                         this beleaguered city its latest 
                         dose of bad news. He revealed that 
                         the man who caused a sensation at 
                         basketball arena last night is no 
                         hero... he is, in fact, a mass 
                         murderer.

               We see the chief of police behind a bunch of mics. He's 
               holding up a picture of Nicky taken at the Basketball arena.

               INT. TODD'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS

               Nicky's outraged.

                                     NICKY
                         I didn't murder anybody

                                     BEEFY
                         Look. You were really high. Things 
                         happen.

                                     NICKY
                         I was with Valerie, I swear. This is 
                         Adrian's work. I've got to find him.

                                     BEEFY
                         I think you're looking at him.

               ON THE TV - DAY

               We reveal that the chief is standing on a grilled-cheese 
               press to keep him warm.

                                     CHIEF OF POLICE
                              (on TV)
                         This video shows what he did after 
                         he left the basketball arena 
                         yesterday...

               ON THE VIDEOTAPE - DAY

               Scarface shooting his AK-47. Nicky's face has been crudely 
               superimposed over his.

                                     GUY
                              (Adrian's voice)
                         My name's Nicky, and I'm gonna kill 
                         all you suckers for no reason!

               CUT TO FOOTAGE ON "SCARFACE"

               ON TV - DAY

               The Chief shakes his head.

                                     CHIEF OF POLICE
                         Difficult to watch, I know. In 
                         response to this vicious crime, I am 
                         authorizing the largest reward in 
                         law enforcement history: fifty million 
                         dollars to the person or persons who 
                         bring this man to me.

               INT. TODD'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS

               Nicky stands outraged.

                                     NICKY
                         This is baloney!

                                     BEEFY
                         He superimposed your head onto 
                         "Scarface."

                                     TODD
                         ...which is by far DePalma's best 
                         work...

               LOUD KNOCKING AT THE DOOR

               The pounding increases.

                                     NICKY
                         I'm not Nicky. I'm not home! I don't 
                         live here!

                                     PETER
                         Dude, it's us. Let us in.

               Nicky opens the door. Peter and John stumble in.

                                     JOHN
                         There's like a total mob scene coming 
                         this way.

               We hear VOICES of an approaching crowd coming outside.

                                     NICKY
                         I thought for sure I gave 'em the 
                         slip.

               Todd is looking out the window.

                                     TODD
                         Looks like they're following a giant 
                         trail of bug shit.

                                     PETER
                         What'll we do now, Beefy?

                                     BEEFY
                         I don't know, this is a little out 
                         of my league.

               Voices grow louder.

                                     VOICES (O.S.)
                         Come on. Let's get 'em.

                                     JOHN
                         What would your dad do, Nicky?

                                     NICKY
                         Good idea... kill me.

                                     PETER
                         Dude. Seriously?

                                     NICKY
                         Yes. I'll meet you at Grand Central 
                         at noon. Okay. Do me. I command you.

                                     JOHN AND PETER
                              (psyched)
                         Alright!

               John takes Nicky's head and slams it hard into the kitchen 
               counter. Nicky is dazed.

                                     NICKY
                         That just hurt a lot.

                                     TODD
                         I've always wanted to kill someone. 
                         Can I do it?

                                     JOHN
                         Look at Queen Latifah steppin' up.

               INT. BATHROOM - DAY

               Nicky is in the bathtub being angrily drowned by Todd. John 
               and Peter watch happily.

                                     TODD
                         Die, Grandma, die!

               Nicky's arm comes out with a thumbs up. Pause. The hand drops 
               back in. He's dead.

               INT. THRONE ROOM - LATER

               Start on a CLOSE UP of Lucifer. He's holding cards, looking 
               at his hand.

                                     LUCIFER
                         Royal flush, you lose. Off with the 
                         bra.

               The Demons and Gatekeeper are sitting around playing strip 
               poker. The Gatekeeper takes off his bra. From behind, we see 
               his breasts flop out.

                                     LUCIFER
                         Last time I saw a pair of jugs that 
                         big, two hillbillies were blowing on 
                         them.

               The Gatekeeper throws his hand down and storms out. The 
               Monster laughs uproariously. Nicky enters and moves to what's 
               left of his dad. Arms, torso, and a head (with one ear).

                                     NICKY
                         Dad, Adrian's got the whole city 
                         after me. He's always a step ahead. 
                         What am I gonna do?

                                     DAD
                         What are you gonna do? Look at me, 
                         Nicky! I got no legs, I got no hips, 
                         I got one ear...

               Dad's remaining ear falls out.

                                     DAD
                         I got no ears! I can't hear!

                                     JIMMY THE DEMON
                         Now he's got no ears! You happy, 
                         Nicky? Your father's got no ears!

                                     NICKY
                         Uh, I'll do my best, Dad. Do you 
                         have any advice at all for me?

                                     DAD
                         I can't hear you, Nicky. I can't 
                         hear anything!

               Jimmy picks up the ear. Jimmy speaks into it.

                                     JIMMY THE DEMON
                         Check one-two. Check one-two.

                                     DAD
                         Put it back on my head. I'm falling 
                         apart here.

                                     JIMMY THE DEMON
                         He's got 'til midnight tonight, Nicky.
                              (putting ear back on 
                              Dad)
                         You get your ass back up there. You 
                         save your father!

               Nicky looks very upset.

               EXT. POLICE STATION - DAY

               We see John and Peter enter frame. Looking very nervous.

                                     PETER
                         You sure you're down with this?

                                     JOHN
                         Little nervous. Wanna puke.

               They approach the cops guarding the door.

                                     JOHN
                         Looking for the chief.

                                     PETER
                         We know where to find Nicky.

               COPS grab John & Peter and drag them inside.

               INT. CHIEF'S OFFICE - DAY

               Surrounded by prostitutes and criminals in a very hot room, 
               the chief of police puts down his bottle of PEPPERMINT 
               SCHNAPPS, stands up and looks at the two idiots.

                                     CHIEF OF POLICE
                         You have what I want?

                                     JOHN
                         Sure do. You got what we want?

                                     PETER
                         Fifty million bones, bro.

               He nods to a DEPUTY who gives them a briefcase of money.

                                     CHIEF OF POLICE
                         That's half of it. You get the rest 
                         when I get Nicky.

                                     PETER
                         Excellent. But I gotta warn you, 
                         man. He's not human.

                                     CHIEF OF POLICE
                         Really?

                                     JOHN
                         We think he's the son of Satan.

               PAUSE. The chief LAUGHS, then everyone else does. He walks 
               over and picks them up by their throats.

                                     CHIEF OF POLICE
                         Well, then I guess I'll have to be 
                         extra careful. Now where is he?

               INT. GRAND CENTRAL STATION - DAY

               We see the BIG CLOCK on the wall. FIVE minutes til NOON. We 
               see JOHN and PETER (with the briefcase) walking into GRAND 
               CENTRAL with the chief and twenty-five NYC cops. The chief 
               bumps into a filthy bag lady drinking out of paper sack.

                                     BAG LADY
                         Hey, watch it! Who do you think you 
                         are?

                                     CHIEF OF POLICE
                              (never stopping)
                         Emperor of the New Hell.

               They march through onto the platform for Track 33.

               INT. GRAND CENTRAL STATION PLATFORM - DAY

               We see Beefy and Todd waiting by the place where Nicky usually 
               comes up. It is hot down there. Steam and smoke comes out of 
               the tunnels. Todd is nervous.

                                     TODD
                         Where is he? He's late.

                                     BEEFY
                         He'll be here. Just keep your cool, 
                         kid.

               They hear FOOTSTEPS. They turn and see the chief of police 
               backed up by the huge police force.

                                     BEEFY
                         We've been ratted out.

               Beefy and Todd turn to see John and Peter looking sheepish.

                                     TODD
                         You guys. That was so uncool.

                                     PETER
                         We thought the son of Satan would 
                         understand a move like this.

               Peter and John high-five.

                                     CHIEF OF POLICE
                         Okay, take these two outside. I can 
                         handle this.

               The police grab Todd and put a leash on Beefy. The cops lead 
               their prisoners away down the tunnel, leaving John and Peter 
               alone with the chief.

                                     CHIEF OF POLICE
                         Wanna see something cool?

               The chief inserts a finger into his nostril. Then he fits 
               his hand up there. Soon his whole arm is up his nostril as 
               he searches for something. John and Peter are impressed. The 
               chief grabs something and starts to pull. Then out of his 
               nose comes Adrian, who fully forms as the shell of the chief's 
               body slumps to the ground.

                                     ADRIAN
                         Ta-da. So what time is my brother 
                         expected back?

                                     JOHN
                         Noon...

               They look at the clock. It's noon.

                                     JOHN
                         ...ish.

               Peter is sweating, kinda nervous.

                                     PETER
                         So even though you're not really the 
                         chief, we still get the rest of the 
                         cash, right bro?

                                     ADRIAN
                         You know what you'll get? An 
                         indescribably horrific torture 
                         administered by demons for the rest 
                         of eternity.

                                     JOHN
                         But what about the cash? Can we keep 
                         it or what?

                                     ADRIAN
                         Sure, why not?

               They high five. Adrian smiles and waits. It is real hot down 
               there. We hear a train coming in the distance. A fan circles 
               slowly. They all wait for him.

                                     LADY
                              (mumbling to herself)
                         Food stamps? They should call 'em 
                         "dude stamps." Cause ever time I get 
                         one, some dude takes it away...

               We see the HOMELESS LADY down the platform stumbling her way 
               towards them, drunk. Adrian scowls at her.

                                     LADY
                         Hey, studs. I'll let you make out 
                         with me for a dollar!

                                     JOHN
                         No thanks... but we'll take that 
                         bottle of booze.
                              (grabs the bottle, 
                              laughs)

                                     LADY
                         Hey... that's mine.

               Peter pushes her away.

                                     PETER
                         Beat it, ya freak.

               John and Peter high five and John swigs from the bag.

                                     JOHN
                         Schnapps...

                                     PETER
                              (takes the bag, swigs)
                         Peppermint... alright.

               Adrian raises his eyebrows. We see that the homeless lady is 
               actually VALERIE in disguise. She looks back, tense. John 
               offers Adrian the flask.

                                     JOHN
                         Wanna hit?

               Hands it to him. He takes it.

                                     PETER
                         Drink up. Here's to fifty million 
                         clams.

                                     ADRIAN
                         To the defilement of Earth and the 
                         corruption of its people.

                                     PETER
                         Whatever. Knock it back, grab Nicky 
                         and let's get outta this hell-hole.

               Adrian smiles at John, then raises the bag. He stops just 
               before it hits his lips. He looks at John curiously.

                                     ADRIAN
                         It is awfully hot down here. How do 
                         you manage to stay so cool?

                                     JOHN
                         Weed lowers the body temperature.
                              (stuttering)
                         I read that... in, uh... er, science 
                         magazine.

               Adrian stares at John. He raises the bag again.

                                     ADRIAN
                         This liquid will probably quench my 
                         thirst. Cool me off.

                                     PETER
                         Definitely.

                                     JOHN
                         And give you a good buzz.

                                     ADRIAN
                         Or maybe it will trap me inside for 
                         all eternity.

                                     JOHN
                         Uh. No it won't?

               John starts to tremble a bit.

                                     ADRIAN
                         Oh, Nicky, I've missed you. Come on 
                         out and say hello...

                                     JOHN
                         Urr... uggg... errr...

                                     ADRIAN
                              (eyes getting red)
                         I'm calling you out, brother...

               Adrian is mentally pulling Nicky out of John. Nicky/John 
               wages an epic battle with himself as Adrian smiles.

                                     JOHN/NICKY
                         Urrr... uggh...
                              (as Nicky)
                         Oww. Adrian, this is very painful.

               Nicky comes flying out. John's body slumps to the floor next 
               to the chief's. Adrian looks in the "Schnapps bottle" to see 
               the flask wrapped in paper. He peeks inside.

                                     ADRIAN
                         Hello, Cassius.

                                     CASSIUS (O.S.)
                         All right. Let me out.

                                     ADRIAN
                         You know, New Hell really only needs 
                         one new Satan.

                                     CASSIUS (O.S.)
                         You mother...

               Adrian hands Nicky the flask.

                                     ADRIAN
                         But Cassius could use some company 
                         for the rest of eternity. So get in 
                         the flask.

               He puts the Flask in Nicky's hands.

               INT. GRAND CENTRAL STATION - PAVILLION - MOMENTS LATER

               The police are escorting Beefy and Todd through the terminal. 
               Beefy starts whining and stops. The cops look down. Beefy 
               raises his leg.

                                     COP
                         Oh, he's gotta pee.

               A thick, yellow smoke shoots out of Beefy, enveloping the 
               group. Beefy escapes and bolts back down stairs.

                                     TODD
                         Run, Beefy! Run!

               INT. GRAND CENTRAL STATION PLATFORM - CONTINUOUS

               Adrian stares down Nicky.

                                     NICKY
                         I won't drink. You can't make me.

               Adrian looks over at Valerie. Suddenly she comes flying over 
               to him. He grabs her by the throat.

               We hear a train coming in the distance.

                                     ADRIAN
                         Of course I can. Drink or she dies.
                              (Nicky is scared)
                         Unlike you, she won't come back from 
                         where she's going.

                                     NICKY
                         Let her go.

                                     ADRIAN
                         I hear a train coming. Drink.

               The train sound is coming CLOSER. Valerie looks at Nicky. 
               Nicky raises the flash to drink.

                                     VALERIE
                         Don't do it.

                                     NICKY
                         I have to, Valerie.

               We see Beefy skid to a stop, raise his leg and a full size 
               archery arrow shoots out of his penis and tracks right into 
               ADRIAN'S LEG.

                                     ADRIAN
                         Ahhh!

                                     BEEFY
                         Now that hurt the both of us.

               Valerie is able to escape momentarily. Adrian reaches for 
               her, grabbing her. They both spin and fall down onto the 
               tracks. Right into the oncoming train.

                                     NICKY
                         Valerie!!!

               Nicky leaps down onto the tracks, wrestles Valerie away from 
               Adrian and tosses her off the tracks. Adrian looks at Nicky.

                                     ADRIAN
                         See you in Hell!

               WHAMM! The train comes by, hitting both Adrian and Nicky.

               INT. HELL GATES - CONTINUOUS

               Adrian comes flying through the solid firefall into Hell. He 
               looks around. Confused, there's no Nicky.

                                                               DISSOLVE TO:

               EXT. BEAUTIFUL FIELD - DAY

               Nicky is lying in a huge field of tall, very green grass. He 
               sits up, and feels his face to make sure it's all there.

               Nicky looks around, alarmed. He seems to be in a mountain 
               vale, maybe in the foothills of the Alps. It's gorgeous.

               Off in the distance, floating in the air, is a giant birthday 
               cake. Nicky stands up and the cottage seems to be floating 
               down to him.

               EXT. BIRTHDAY CAKE - DAY

               The cake lands softly in front of him, the door ajar. After 
               a moment's hesitation, Nicky goes in.

               INT. BIRTHDAY CAKE - CONTINUOUS

               Nicky enters the cake to find ANGEL and two friends: JENNA 
               and CHRISTA. They are doing arts and crafts sort of things 
               on a glass table in front of them. They stare at him. Angel 
               rises.

                                     ANGEL
                         Oh. My. God. I can't believe you're 
                         here. Welcome. Can I just tell you, 
                         I am so excited right now.

                                     CHRISTA
                         So excited.

                                     JENNA
                         She really is.

                                     NICKY
                         That's terrific. Now could you ladies 
                         point me to the Black Palace? I should 
                         check in with my dad...

               Nicky trails off as he sees the Angels laughing at him.

                                     ANGEL
                         I'm sorry, you're just so cute.

                                     JENNA
                         Do you have any idea where you are 
                         right now?

                                     NICKY
                         The home of eternal damnation, house 
                         of Hades, H.E. double toothpicks...

                                     ANGEL
                         Maybe try the opposite of that.

               The Angel and two friends laugh and high-five. Nicky's 
               confused.

                                     ANGEL
                         Okay, can I just ask you something?  
                         What do you know about your mom?

                                     NICKY
                         My brothers told me my mother was a 
                         mountain goat. Which would explain 
                         my chronic halitosis.

                                     ANGEL
                              (annoyed)
                         A mountain goat? That's really sweet.

                                     NICKY
                         My mom wasn't a goat?

                                     ANGEL
                         Try an angel.

                                     NICKY
                         An angel?

                                     ANGEL
                         Unh-huh. Which would make you half 
                         angel.

               Nicky is floored.

                                     NICKY
                         Wow. What... what did she look like?

                                     ANGEL
                         Well, she was about six-three, only 
                         spoke Portuguese and had really long 
                         grey hair.

               The GIRLS start laughing.

                                     ANGEL
                         I'm sorry, I'm totally busting on 
                         you. I'm your mom.

               Nicky is even more floored. FLASH. Jenna has taken a picture 
               of Nicky.

                                     JENNA
                         I'm sorry, but you just had the 
                         sweetest look on your face.

                                     CHRISTA
                         You're gonna be so happy she did 
                         that.

                                     NICKY
                              (stunned)
                         How come you're not older?

                                     ANGEL
                         Angels don't get any older, son.

                                     JENNA
                         I can't believe you just called him 
                         "son."

                                     ANGEL
                         Oh my God. This is so wild.

               They laugh. Nicky is quite baffled.

               INT. THRONE ROOM - DAY

               Dad is just a pair of lips, with ears on either side held up 
               by two forearms with hands attached, lying on the throne. 
               Gatekeeper, Lucifer, Jimmy and a few other demons stand 
               around.

                                     DAD
                         I can't see shit. You're all still 
                         here, right?

               Adrian enters. They all cheer.

                                     JIMMY THE DEMON
                         Adrian's here. You'll be back to 
                         normal in a jiffy, sir.

                                     DAD LIPS
                         Yea! I can't believe little Nicky 
                         came through.

                                     ADRIAN
                         Where's Nicky?

                                     JIMMY THE DEMON
                         He came with you and Cassius, right?

                                     ADRIAN
                         I came through that gate alone.

                                     JIMMY THE DEMON
                         Sorry, sir, false alarm.

                                     DAD
                         Boooo.

                                     ADRIAN
                         Somebody explain what's going on.

               Puts the Gatekeeper in a headlock.

                                     GATEKEEPER
                         You'll get nothing out of me.

                                     ADRIAN
                         Perhaps a titty twister will loosen 
                         your lips.

               He twists a breast. The Gatekeeper babbles out the information 
               immediately.

                                     GATEKEEPER
                         The only way to save your dad is for 
                         you and your brothers to pass through 
                         the gates at the same time before he 
                         deteriorates completely.

                                     ADRIAN
                         How much time does Dad have before 
                         that happens?

               Adrian twists hard.

                                     GATEKEEPER
                         Thirty minutes. And then whoever 
                         claims his throne will have 
                         unimaginable power.

               Adrian throws him down.

                                     LUCIFER
                         All boobs and no balls.

                                     ADRIAN
                         Thirty minutes. Hmmm. I hope you 
                         don't mind if I take a seat while I 
                         wait for you.

               He moves to the throne and throws the lips off.

                                     DAD LIPS
                         Ahhh!

               He pushes Lucifer out of the way.

                                     LUCIFER
                         I don't get no respect.

                                     ADRIAN
                         Ten thousand years. And I never once 
                         got to sit here.

               He sits on the throne and it starts to shake a little. He 
               grins as two horns grow out of his forehead.

                                     ADRIAN
                         Wow. And this is just a little taste 
                         of my power.

                                     DAD
                         Hell's gonna bust wide open. Demons, 
                         get him out of the chair!

               The demons approach.

                                     ADRIAN
                         Ah-ah. Not so fast, demons. There 
                         are a couple of million evil souls 
                         on Earth ready to be harvested. Anyone 
                         interested?

               The demons stop. Now loyal to Adrian. All except Jimmy.

               INT. BIRTHDAY CAKE - DAY

               Everyone is sitting around drinking Diet Cokes.

                                     NICKY
                         Are you Adrian and Cassius' mom, 
                         too?

                                     CHRISTA
                         No, their mother's weren't angels.

                                     ANGEL
                         I think they were hookers or strippers 
                         or something really porno like...

               There's a knock on the door. It opens and in comes Carl 
               Weathers dressed as Chubbs from Happy Gilmore.

                                     CHUBBS
                         Holly, Jenna, Christa. Time for your 
                         Mambo lesson.

                                     ANGEL
                         Oh, Chubbs. I totally spaced. I'm so 
                         sorry. I have company. It's my son, 
                         Nicky. My son. Can you believe it?

                                     CHUBBS
                         Wow, that's terrific.

                                     ANGEL
                         Nicky, this is Chubbs. He used to be 
                         a golf pro, but up here he's the 
                         dopest dance instructor.

                                     CHUBBS
                         You mambo?

                                     NICKY
                         I don't think so.

                                     CHUBBS
                         Remember, it's all in the hips. It's 
                         all in the hips.

               Chubbs dances as he leaves.

                                     NICKY
                         Where did you meet my father?

                                     ANGEL
                         It was a long time ago, at some Heaven 
                         and Hell mixer.

                                     CHRISTA
                         I remember that night, you had like 
                         four daiquiris.

                                     ANGEL
                         Try four and a half. At first I 
                         totally didn't like him.

                                     JENNA
                         He was really conceited.

                                     ANGEL
                         But I don't know, he was funny, he 
                         made me laugh, and I hate to say it 
                         but he had a really nice body.

                                     NICKY
                         And that made you want to make a 
                         baby with him?

               The Angels laugh.

                                     ANGEL
                         Well, I really wasn't thinking about 
                         making a baby at the time!

               Her cell-phone rings. She answers it.

                                     ANGEL
                         Hello... yes, he's here with me now... 
                         I don't know if he's hot, he's my 
                         son, you perv! I'll call you back...
                              (laughs)
                         Oh my God, I will call you back, 
                         goodbye.
                              (hangs up)
                         That was my friend, Michelle, she 
                         says "hi."

                                     NICKY
                         Well tell her I said "hi" back.

               Angel makes a motion towards the phone, then stops.

                                     ANGEL
                         I'll call her later.

                                     CHRISTA
                         You know, we saw you save your 
                         girlfriend's life.

                                     JENNA
                         That was so cool.

                                     ANGEL
                         That's why you came up to Heaven 
                         instead of Hell. Self-sacrifice 
                         automatically gets you here.

                                     NICKY
                         How did you see me?

                                     ANGEL
                         We can see what's going on anywhere 
                         on Earth. Look.

               Angel and the girls clear the junk from the glass table in 
               front of them. Angel touches the glass and it turns into a 
               reflection of Earth below.

               EXT. TIME'S SQUARE - NIGHT

               People are rioting in the streets. Looting appliance stores...

                                     ANGEL (O.S.)
                         All these good people have totally 
                         been led astray.

                                     CHRISTA (O.S.)
                         Show him Central Park.

               EXT. CENTRAL PARK LAWN - NIGHT

               People are drinking and smoking and burning things. A large 
               circle has formed around two old ladies who are fist fighting. 
               One old lady knocks the other to the ground, then jumps on 
               her and starts wailing away. The spectators exchange money.

                                     ANGEL (O.S.)
                         There's like a three day rave goin' 
                         on down there. No on is going to 
                         work anymore.

               Then suddenly we see the ground start to break up and Adrian 
               on his throne start to be thrust upwards. Demons swarm around 
               him.

                                     ADRIAN
                         Welcome to the party. It's so nice 
                         to see all of you here.

                                     NICKY (O.S.)
                         Hey, that's Dad's throne! How did 
                         Adrian get that? Is Dad okay?

                                     ANGEL (O.S.)
                         Let's see...

                                                        RIPPLE DISSOLVE TO:

               INT. THRONE ROOM - CONTINUOUS

               DAD LIPS are morosely talking to the Gatekeeper and Jimmy.

                                     DAD LIPS
                         I was a good Devil, wasn't I?

                                     JIMMY THE DEMON
                         You were the best Devil, boss, the 
                         best Devil!

                                     GATEKEEPER
                         Absolutely.

                                     DAD LIPS
                         I tried to do some interesting 
                         stuff...

                                     JIMMY THE DEMON
                         You did amazing stuff!

                                     GATEKEEPER
                         I don't know how you came up with 
                         some of it.

                                     DAD LIPS
                         Really? That means a lot to me.

                                     JENNA (O.S.)
                         Oh my God. He looks gross.

                                     ANGEL (O.S.)
                         I can't believe I did it with him.

               She touches the pool again and the reflection changes to:

               EXT. NEW HELL THRONE - NIGHT

               Adrian steps off his throne onto a small stage flanked by 
               SIX HERO DEMONS. He begins addressing the crowd.

                                     ADRIAN
                         I'm very proud of you. You've taken 
                         to sin with minimal prompting.

               The crowd cheers.

                                     ADRIAN
                         You're acting as if there is no Heaven 
                         or Hell.

               The crowd cheers.

               EXT. NEW HELL STAGE - NIGHT

               We see John, Peter, Beefy, Valerie and Todd hanging on 
               flagpoles by their underwear. Beefy is in a special fitted 
               harness that looks like underwear.

                                     ADRIAN
                         Well, I have some news.

               Adrian morphs into the Cardinal from earlier.

                                     CARDINAL
                         There is most definitely a Hell! And 
                         you're all going there when you die! 
                         Which will happen in about fifteen 
                         minutes.

               EXT. NEW HELL RALLY - NIGHT

               The BAD PEOPLE realize they've been tricked into being bad 
               and they get scared. The Preacher, who is now more battered 
               from his fall through the plate glass window (ask Steve), 
               yells out.

                                     PREACHER
                         We really are gonna die!

               This kicks off a frenzy of the Scared Bad People trying to 
               run away. But they are stopped and herded back by DEMONS.

               EXT. FLAGPOLES - CONTINUOUS

                                     PETER
                         This don't look good.

                                     JOHN
                         Can't Beefy use his penis powers to 
                         get us out of this?

                                     TODD
                         They castrated him. He can't shoot 
                         arrows, he can't piss smoke.

                                     BEEFY
                         I can't screw.
                              (whimpers)
                         I can't screw.

               Valerie's crying.

               INT. REFLECTION POOL - CONTINUOUS

               Nicky is shocked.

                                     NICKY
                         Valerie's crying!

                                     ANGEL
                         She's so nice.

                                     CHRISTA
                         She goes to Parson's, right?

                                     ANGEL
                         I would totally love to go there. 
                         But I hear it's really hard to get 
                         in.

                                     NICKY
                         I gotta help her. I gotta help Dad. 
                         I gotta help everybody.

                                     ANGEL
                         Yeah, you do...

               INT. REFLECTION POOL - CONTINUOUS

               Adrian is looking at a clock tower that reads 11:45.

                                     ADRIAN (V.O.)
                         At the stroke of midnight, my father 
                         will be completely deteriorated. And 
                         all of your souls will be mine.

               EXT. NEW HELL STAGE - CONTINUOUS

                                     ADRIAN
                         Soon you will see things more horrible 
                         than you can even imagine.

               Adrian scans the crowd. He sees...

               EXT. NEW HELL RALLY - CONTINUOUS

               The Parsons STUDENT in the kimono dancing sexily. Adrian is 
               thrown.

               EXT. NEW HELL STAGE - CONTINUOUS

                                     ADRIAN
                         Not that horrible, but still pretty 
                         bad.

               Adrian motions to some of his guards. They nod.

                                     ADRIAN
                         So while we wait, for your enjoyment, 
                         I bring you a dear sweet man and an 
                         international icon... Henry Winkler!

               A frightened HENRY WINKLER is lead onto the stage prodded by 
               two DEMONS.

               EXT. NEW HELL RALLY - CONTINUOUS

               The scared bad people finally smile.

               EXT. NEW HELL STAGE - CONTINUOUS

                                     ADRIAN
                         Covered in bees!

               We see Henry Winkler is suddenly covered head to in a swarm 
               of bees.

               EXT. NEW HELL RALLY - CONTINUOUS

               The crowd gasps.

               INT. REFLECTION POOL - CONTINUOUS

               Nicky is starting to panic.

                                     NICKY
                         But how can I win? Adrian is stronger 
                         and smarter than me.

                                     ANGEL
                         Stronger, yes. Smarter, definitely. 
                         But you have something he doesn't 
                         have.

                                     NICKY
                         A speech impediment?

               The girls laugh.

                                     ANGEL
                         No, you have the inner light. You 
                         can totally use it. It's the best 
                         power of all.
                              (he smiles)
                         And in case you get in real bad 
                         trouble, God told me to give you 
                         this.

               She gives him an ornate, jewelled ball.

                                     NICKY
                         What is it?

                                     ANGEL
                         I'm not a hundred percent on that. 
                         God said when the time comes, you'll 
                         know what to do.

                                     CHRISTA
                         God's so smart.

                                     JENNA
                         The smartest.

                                     ANGEL
                         Well, goodbye... for now.
                              (looks at his face)
                         Can I just do this?

               She licks her finger and wipes some dirt off his forehead.

                                     ANGEL
                         That was such a Mom thing, wasn't 
                         it?

                                     FRIEND
                         Totally.

                                     NICKY
                         Well, nice meeting you, Jenna, 
                         Christa.
                              (to Angel)
                         Would it be okay if I called you 
                         Mommy?

                                     ANGEL
                         It would be so okay.

               Nicky hugs his Mom.

                                     NICKY
                         Well, Mommy, get me to the big apple 
                         cause I'm gonna rock that town like 
                         a hurricane.

                                     ANGEL (O.S.)
                         You're already there...

               EXT. CENTRAL PARK POND SHORE - NIGHT

               Nicky dissolves into walking. He checks his pocket to see 
               the ball. He looks up to see fifteen Demons marching towards 
               him, ready to attack. Nicky closes his eyes and concentrates.

                                     NICKY
                         Release... the good.

               When he opens them, BEAUTIFUL BUTTERFLIES are floating around 
               the head of five of the DEMONS. They stop approaching. THEIR 
               EYES TURN FROM WHITE BACK TO NORMAL. And their facial 
               expression changes to happiness. They wave at the butterflies.

               ANGLE ON

               MORE DEMONS keep closing.

                                     NICKY
                         Release the good...

               Five more are stopped by something. They look down and see 
               fluffy white BUNNY RABBITS at their feet. They start petting 
               them.

               The REMAINING DEMONS advance on Nicky.

                                     NICKY
                         Release the awesome.

               ...then stop, their path blocked by a very large bucket of 
               POPEYE'S FRIED CHICKEN. The Demons consider the bucket of 
               chicken. One Demon takes out a piece.

                                     NICKY
                         Put it in your mouth and let it slide 
                         down your throat-hole.

               The Demon bites into it. He can't help but grin a little.

                                     DEMON
                         Popeye's chicken is ass kickin'!

               The OTHER SOULS dig into the bucket.

               EXT. CLOCK TOWER - CONTINUOUS

               Only ten minutes left.

               EXT. FLAGPOLES - CONTINUOUS

               The dudes on the flagpoles are chatting nervously.

                                     TODD
                         One thing I really regret is never 
                         having experimented sexually.

                                     PETER
                         You mean, like, experiment with a 
                         Bunsen Burner? What are you talking 
                         about?

                                     JOHN
                         He means getting it on with someone 
                         like that freak.

               ANGLE ON:

               The student dancing for a mesmerized Demon.

               BACK ON PETER, TODD AND JOHN

                                     TODD
                         His name is Andrew. I know that guy.

                                     JOHN
                         Of course you do, Tommy Tune.

               EXT. CENTRAL PARK PATH - NIGHT

               Nicky leads his small army of reformed Demons (followed by 
               butterflies & bunnies and carrying the chicken bucket) down 
               the path toward the rally. We see they have a golden 
               light/haze of good around them.

               EXT. FLAGPOLES - CONTINUOUS

               Adrian is underneath Valerie.

                                     ADRIAN
                         You know, from this angle, you're 
                         kind of cute.

                                     VALERIE
                         You think so? Why don't you come a 
                         little closer and I'll show you a 
                         better angle.

               He moves a little closer, and she spits on him. He smiles. 
               Opens his mouth and catches her spit. He swallows.

                                     ADRIAN
                         Yummy.

               Everyone is grossed out.

                                     TODD
                         Oh my God, he just opened his mouth 
                         and swallowed that spit.

                                     BEEFY
                         That turn you on there, RuPaul?

                                     ADRIAN
                         Keep it up and I just might make you 
                         my Queen for a night or two.

                                     JOHN
                         You want a queen? Got one right here.

               John points at Todd. They laugh. Adrian gets closer to 
               Valerie. Just then a big butterfly appears on his shoulder. 
               He looks down to see:

               Nicky standing there with his army.

                                     ADRIAN (O.S.)
                         Little Nicky.

                                     NICKY
                         Adrian, I'm asking you nicely, in 
                         the name of all that is good: release 
                         my friends and get in the flask.

                                     ADRIAN
                         Is this a joke?

                                     NICKY
                         No. It's the inner light. And with 
                         it we can defeat anything you've 
                         got.

                                     REFORMED DEMON
                              (eating Popeye's 
                              chicken)
                         It's true!

               Adrian glares down at the REFORMED DEMON. His eyes shoot out 
               an evil ray.

               The Reformed Demon explodes into a million pieces. His golden 
               insides splatter on the crowd.

               The Army of Good is shaken. Another Demon lowers his chicken.

                                     ANOTHER REFORMED DEMON
                         It's not true?

               The BUCKET OF CHICKEN sprouts legs and runs away. Nicky steps 
               forward bravely.

                                     NICKY
                         Okay, Adrian, you've left me with no 
                         choice.

               Nicky leaves frame and he flies up towards Adrian.

               EXT. NEW HELL STAGE - CONTINUOUS

               Nicky lands on both feet standing before Adrian.

                                     NICKY
                         Love lifts me up where I belong.

               ANGLE ON

               Crowd reacts.

               ON HELL STAGE

               Demons are ready to attack. Adrian waves them off.

                                     ADRIAN
                         Not bad, little brother. Let's see 
                         what you've got.

               Nicky thinks, holds out his hands. A rainbow shoots out onto 
               the stage between them. PAUSE. We see that a cute little 
               chipmunk is standing on it's hindlegs eating a nut.

               ON CROWD

               The army of good and scared bad people applaud as they see 
               this.

               BACK ON HELL STAGE

               Adrian nods, holds out his arms and a red stream shoots out. 
               He has made a terrible PYTHON that comes over and eats the 
               baffled chipmunk in one bite.

               Nicky raises his hand and: turns the snake into a row of 
               flowers.

               Adrian raises his hand and a crazed MEXICAN GARDNER with a 
               lawn mower comes by and mows them down.

               Nicky turns the Gardner and his lawn mower into a MOTHER 
               pushing a NEW BORN BABY in a carriage.

               Adrian turns the baby in the carriage into an EVIL DWARF who 
               leaps out and starts beating up on the mother.

               Nicky turns the Mother into a HOT GIRL DWARF. The evil Dwarf 
               stops beating her up and holds her hand.

                                     ADRIAN
                         Enough. I'm going to kill you with 
                         my bare hands.

               Adrian punches Nicky hard in the jaw. He goes flying off the 
               platform.

               Nicky's body falls towards the ground. It's about to hit, 
               when a soft bed of posts and fluffy pillows break his fall.

               INT. HEAVEN - CONTINUOUS

               We now see Angel, Jenna, Christa and SEVEN OTHER GIRLS 
               watching the action on the table.

                                     ANGEL
                         I totally had to do that.

                                     ALL THE GIRLS
                         Yah you did.

               CHUBBS is there, too.

               EXT. NEW HELL RALLY - NIGHT

               Nicky looks up to see Adrian flying down towards him. Nicky 
               rolls away at the last second. Adrian hits the bed hard and 
               bounces up.  Nicky grabs him mid-bounce and slams him back 
               down into the golden/brass headboard of the bed. Nicky holds 
               out the flask.

                                     NICKY
                         Now I'm asking you nicely, get in 
                         the flas...

               Adrian grabs a pillow and hits Nicky hard in the face, sending 
               him flying off the bed.

                                     NICKY
                         Oh, you wanna a pillow fight, do 
                         you?!

               Nicky is an expert pillow fighter. He lands a series of 
               awesome, almost Matrix-like pillow moves. Adrian is dazed.

               Nicky finishes him off by tossing the pillow high in the air 
               to him. Adrian looks up to catch it and just before it lands, 
               Nicky steps up and pops him in the face. Adrian goes down 
               hard. Nicky towers over him.

                                     NICKY
                         Now will you get in the flask?

                                     ADRIAN
                         Absolutely not.

               Adrian turns to his demons.

                                     ADRIAN
                         A little help over here.

               A bunch of Demons advance.

               ON FLAGPOLE

               We see Henry Winkler, swollen with bee stings, valiantly run 
               over and lowers the five from the flagpoles.

               ON ADRIAN

               He looks up and glares at Henry.

                                     ADRIAN
                         Henry!

               ON FLAGPOLE

               Henry's eyes widen.

                                     HENRY WINKLER
                         Oh no.

               He is covered in bees again.

               BACK ON ADRIAN

               He turns his attention back to Nicky who is grabbed by demons. 
               Adrian brings the flask to his lips, but he won't open his 
               mouth.

               Adrian pinches Nicky's nose closed so he has to open his 
               mouth.

                                     ADRIAN
                         Goodbye, Nicky.

               We hear CASSIUS banging against the walls.

                                     CASSIUS (O.S.)
                         Come on in, bro.

               Nicky can't hold his breath and opens his mouth. Adrian jams 
               the flask in his mouth and Nicky starts to get sucked in. 
               Adrian smiles. But just before Nicky is gone, he manages to 
               grab Adrian's coat tail and yank him into the flask with 
               him.

               As the flask hits the ground, we HEAR:

                                     CASSIUS
                         Thank you, Nicky. Cause now I'm gonna 
                         bust Adrian's head wide open.

                                     ADRIAN (O.S.)
                         I was going to let you out, 
                         eventually, Cassius. I swear.

                                     NICKY (O.S.)
                         Sole ruler of Hell and Earth is what 
                         I heard him keep saying.

               We HEAR the sounds of a struggle.

               All the Demons and all the people of NEW YORK form a large 
               circle around the flask. Valerie and the gang make it down 
               off the stage.

               We HEAR crazy sounds as the FLASK starts to jump. The crowd 
               REACTS. A big dent pops out from the inside, followed by a 
               horrible thud.

                                     VALERIE
                         Nicky!

                                     NICKY (O.S.)
                         That was Cassius!

               The FLASK starts rolling over and over on the road. People 
               get out of the way as if it were real people fighting in the 
               street. They root for their side.

                                     DEMON
                         Kill him, Adrian.

               John and Peter start beating up the Demon.

               INT. REFLECTION POOL - CONTINUOUS

               The Angel and the Friend are praying.

               EXT. NEW HELL RALLY - CONTINUOUS

               We HEAR banging and beating and yelling from inside and then 
               the flask stops bouncing. SILENCE. Verybody outside holds 
               their breath. Slowly out of the spout crawls NICKY.

               HOORAY. Valerie, John, Todd and Beefy and all the living 
               people CHEER. The student, very happy, opens his kimono. The 
               people and demons near him are grossed out.

               Valerie goes to the very beaten up Nicky and hugs him.

                                     VALERIE
                         Where'd a sweet Southern boy learn 
                         to fight like that?

                                     NICKY
                         From my dad's side of the family.

               She laughs and kisses him on the mouth. The crowd CHEERS. 
               But Nicky won't stop kissing her. She starts to struggle for 
               air. Nicky presses harder and starts to laugh.

               The crowd stops CHEERING. Valerie is waving her arms for 
               help. Nicky turns into Adrian during the kiss. Adrian lets 
               her go. And we hear ADRIAN'S familiar laugh.

                                     ADRIAN
                         What? No tongue?

               Adrian pulls his head back, his tongue is huge and he turns 
               into a GIANT BAT. He lets out a huge roar, then flies around, 
               laughing, scaring people.

               Valerie runs over and picks up the flask. She looks inside.

                                     VALERIE
                              (whispering)
                         Nicky. Nicky.

               No response.

                                     VALERIE
                         You gotta fly out... I know you can 
                         do it.
                              (still no response)
                         Do it for the butterflies.

               long beat, then:

                                     NICKY (O.S.)
                         Butterflies...

               And Nicky shoots right out of the top of the flask and lands 
               on his feet. Adrian lands and stares down Nicky. The clock 
               is one minute from midnight.

               Adrian swoops down. Nicky thinks quick and pulls out the 
               BALL his Mom gave him and smashes it on the ground. Out of 
               it forms metal God: OZZY OSBORNE.

                                     OZZY
                         Hello, New York.

                                     JOHN AND PETER
                         Ozzy.

               They faint.

               The Bat's eyes go wide in fear. Ozzy grabs the bat, his mouth 
               grows big, and he bites the bat's head off. Valerie hands 
               Ozzy the flask.

                                     VALERIE
                         Put him in, Ozzy.

               Ozzy spits the bat head into the flask.

               EXT. CLOCK TOWER

               The clock reads: 00:23 seconds left.

               INT. THRONE ROOM - CONTINUOUS

               Dad is just a very thin pair of lips and one finger. The 
               FINGER is going up and down on the lips, making silly sounds. 
               The Gatekeeper, the Monster, Jimmy the Demon and Lucifer are 
               on their backs crying like babies.

               EXT. NEW HELL RALLY - NIGHT

                                     VALERIE
                         Grand Central, Nicky. Start running.

                                     JOHN
                         He'll never make it.

                                     PETER
                         You gotta kill yourself.

                                     NICKY
                         I'll just go to Heaven.

                                     BEEFY
                         Not if you do something bad right 
                         before you die.

               Pause. Everyone looks around. Nicky spots Henry Winkler.

                                     HENRY WINKLER
                         Aw, man, not again.

                                     NICKY
                         Sorry, Henry.
                              (focuses)
                         Release the Evil.

               Henry is covered in bees once again.

               ON NICKY AND VALERIE

               Nicky picks up a big rock and hands it to Valerie.

                                     NICKY
                         Do me.

                                     VALERIE
                         I love you.

                                     NICKY
                         I love you.

               Valerie smashes the rock on Nicky's head, killing him.

               ON CLOCK TOWER

               Six seconds left.

               INT. THRONE ROOM - CONTINUOUS

               The lips and finger are slowing down.

               INT. GATES OF HELL - DAY

               Nicky triumphantly passes through the wall of fire and it 
               starts burning again behind him. And now all the BACKED UP 
               SOULS fall out on top of Nicky.

               The Gatekeeper APPLAUDS.

               EXT. NEW HELL RALLY - NIGHT

               The STAGE, the DEMONS and everything that raised from Hell 
               now descends quickly into the ground.

               INT. THRONE ROOM - NIGHT

               Dad's lips form a body around it. Dad FILLS IN.

               EXT. NEW HELL RALLY - NIGHT

               The good people of New York cheer. We see John, Peter, Todd, 
               Valerie, Beefy and the Student, who of course is dancing 
               seductively.

               EXT. REFLECTION POOL - CONTINUOUS

               Angel is so proud.

                                     ANGEL
                         Okay, you just saw my son save the 
                         universe. Right?!

               Everyone cheers.

               INT. THRONE ROOM - SHORTLY AFTER

               Dad and Nicky are hugging.

                                     DAD
                         You came through, Nicky.

                                     NICKY
                         I came through for you, Mom and the 
                         butterflies, Dad.

                                     DAD
                         You're back in Hell now, kid. There's 
                         no butterflies here. If you want 
                         butterflies, you need to be on Earth.

                                     NICKY
                         What about you and Grandpa and 
                         everyone in Hell?

                                     DAD
                         Nicky, I let my butterflies die once 
                         upon a time and it's never stopped 
                         hurting.
                              (Dad looks up)
                         That's right, you heard me, Holly. 
                         I'm still in love with you.

               INT. BIRTHDAY CAKE - CONTINUOUS

               Angel is shocked.

                                     ANGEL
                         Oh my God. He's totally talking about 
                         me.

               INT. THRONE ROOM - CONTINUOUS

                                     DAD
                         And don't think I forgot about how 
                         crazy you get after a few daiquiris.

               INT. BIRTHDAY CAKE - CONTINUOUS

                                     FRIEND
                         That guy is still a horn dog.

               INT. THRONE ROOM - CONTINUOUS

               Dad turns to Nicky.

                                     DAD
                         Listen, I got down low. Your mom's 
                         got up high. You take care of the 
                         middle.

                                     NICKY
                         I will, Dad. But in the words of 
                         Motley Crue, this will always be 
                         my... home sweet home...

               He pats him on the back.

                                     JIMMY THE DEMON
                         Sorry to interrupt guys, but it's 
                         time for Hitler's punishment.

                                     LUCIFER
                         Let me handle that.

               Lucifer walks over to the closet.

                                     LUCIFER
                         And I'm not using a pineapple this 
                         time.

               He pulls out the flask.

                                     ADRIAN (O.S.)
                         No!

                                     CASSIUS (O.S.)
                         Don't do it!

               He shoves the flask up Hitler's ass. Hitler's face tightens.

                                     HITLER
                         Holy Schnit!

               Freeze frame, then:

                                                               DISSOLVE TO:

               ONE YEAR LATER

               Over the skyline of Manhattan.

               EXT. STREET - CENTRAL PARK WEST

               PAN UP from a moving baby stroller to reveal Nicky and Valerie 
               both pushing it. We see Beefy walking with them. Unbelievably 
               happy.

               A nice OLD LADY bends down to the stroller.

                                     LADY
                         Oh... what an uncommonly beautiful 
                         baby.

                                     VALERIE
                         Thank you.

                                     LADY
                         Such a little angel.

                                     BEEFY
                         Only a quarter, ma'am.

               She tickles the baby. It giggles and a small stream of fire 
               shoots out of his mouth and singes the Old Lady's eyebrows.

                                     NICKY
                         Zachariah, say you're sorry.

                                     BABY ZACHARIAH
                              (sounds like Nicky)
                         Sorry.

               The Lady scurries away. Nicky and Valerie laugh and continue 
               walking in absolute bliss. They pass the Preacher who runs 
               towards us.

                                     PREACHER
                         He has spilled his seed! He is 
                         multiplying! Beware the progeny of 
                         the unholy union! We're all gonna 
                         die!

               The Preacher runs straight into the camera. BLACK.

                                         THE END